The Worst

Enjoying a new read from a pal, Walk Like a Buddha. Page 11 has an anecdote about asking a room full of meditators to raise their hand if they succumb to distraction during their practice. Then ask the room if they think that would make them a terrible meditator, and likely many hands would come back up. Then he comforts the reader with, "there can only be one worst meditator-so it's probably not you." 

I had a pretty good session this morning, unfortunately this peace was quickly shredded by the "mandatory" safety meeting I am required to attend. Of course I could not find the building and was almost late.

Just kidding I was accidentally a half hour early and I'm one of four suckers who is actually attending. Can't wait to repeat my success+sucker=suckercess tomorrow for diversity training.

I feel twice as foolish for losing myself in a swirl of panic right after meditating.

It's like there is a Mom version of me with arms crossed over her apron scolding, "Now, what did I just tell you not to do?"

Me: panic.

MeMom: and what did you do?

Me: have 6 heart attacks.

No more emails with red ink please.

Tea for two

"Whenever Mara--the shadow side--appeared during the Buddha's life, his response was simple and liberating: "I see you Mara," and,"Please, come…let's have tea." In that spirit, this talk explores three approaches to relating to fear with a mindful and compassionate presence. "

Credit to Tim Ferris podcast with guest Tara Branch. Not Michelle branch, nor Tara Reid... 

Mara...not just an Indiana Jones reference?! It's interesting that the story of Mara came to me twice through media this week, when I'd never thought of it before. 

As I understand, Mara represents darkness and chaos. When the Buddha encountered her, he extended an invitation.

Was yesterday perhaps tea with Mara?

I feel lighter and more still today, perhaps because I will see loved ones soon, but perhaps because of yesterday's detox. My session today was surreal -did it in the airport. 

Dreadspace

Completed day 3 of part two for the Anxiety pack.

This one is the hardest series I've ever done, and maybe it is because of the current circumstances of a changed environment. I don't want this time to think or rest.

As I go, I am supposed to recognize thinking versus feeling, and then note if that thought or emotion is a positive, negative or neutral one. Then let it go.

Today I had a big solid block of grief. Deep dark Mahler-style grief. The grief of impending loss. A torrential sadness bigger than myself, like it was coming through me and not even mine.

What an awful thing to make space for, but at the same time, it was in me and maybe I've leeched some of it.

Luckily, I'm flying out tomorrow morning and will get to see my family and friends from home. My boyfriend is coming back with me as my roomie! It is important I don't deny myself a support network but also to continue to persevere/strengthen this practice.