A Pause

I'm not saying I will quit meditation...

In a recent conversation-it was posed to me that the exercise can be frustrating if you expect anything from it. Which I do it turns out.

I'm working on the anxiety pack, I'm nearly through 10 days but it's a mental assault. The exercise is to stay with the breath and when something arises, identify it merely as thinking or feeling and then return to the breath without chasing the idea.

Although it's meant to be light, it feels like a chore. I'm more doing it to earn the free month trial for a new friend than for myself.

Unexpected Insight: When you are alone in a new place, it's hard to meet others because you do not want to seem to be an open wound. Also-I'm not 17 anymore and I don't want friends for the sake of friends, it feels dishonest. It does not stop be from being friendly; however I prefer the comfort of internet, phone and books until I've restored by personality.

I've switched in the last 2 days to committing to The Artists Way, Morning Pages. Here, you sign a pact with yourself to write 3 stream-of consciousness pages daily. Also, to take 1 hour a week to feed your inner artist with a solitary activity. So far, I've done one page a day. I'm going to read Leonard Bernstein's The Joy of Music to "feed the artist."

As insane as my brain feels, three pages of handwritten angry is too much; interesting seeing as I've exhausted myself turning it over in my mind all hours/days.

The week brought an onslaught of ego-battering scenarios and sagas; like any child's tantrum it seems they cannot survive too long if you allow them to be robust. If you try and tame them, they become increasingly explosive. Meditation was trying to calm my inner toddler and I hope Morning Pages is the mother who shuts the door and patiently allows wailing and throwing before offering comfort to the exhausted toddler/ego.

It's my second day as a student (again) and I'm DYING for homework-which I never thought I would say. The administrative side of re-entry has been (continues to be) so frustrating that a classroom with a teacher (not me) is a cool drink of water (with muddled lemons, ice and mint).

Also on writing as meditation: My research professor asked we draw up 4 or 5 broad categories and track how much time we spend on each element-to be reported on at the end of a week.

It's only been a few hours but I'm already shocked by un-categorizable time lost to multi-tasking and whimsy-chasing.

I've chosen the following-

Sleep:
Study/TA:
Exercise (gym/walking/journaling/meditation):
Class:
Other:


Maybe you're thinking "Hey, where is eating?! Are you a robot?"

I love eating so much that I religiously batch all my meals on Sundays (I cook every meal and divide them up accordingly) so making food and eating it doesn't take up significant time that I'm aware of. Also, it ensures I have something healthy and delicious on hand and become less likely to spend money on a whim.