Pillow Talk

So my new jam is that I have a sewing machine and plan to get real crazy with it.

One of my first tasks is to build a meditation cushion, since the floor isn't quite getting me there.

I had an unexpected medi-talk with someone in my "music sangha." He mentioned how it's annoying that meditation has become main stream, and to a point I agree. I also know enough now to understand that it is a hard thing to fake. Sure, you can pretend to be more calm or enlightened-but that won't mean you actually feel better, so what's the point in that? I don't enjoy thinking about this in the sense of being contrarian, but I do like thinking about faking meditation. If you sit still just to go through the motions, won't it count just the same? Would faking it be more like telling people you do it when you don't?

Would it be like those times I'm trying to get through a meditation streak in order to pass 1 month of headspace to a friend and I let the guided talk play through my headset while I mill about the house....? True confession. Now I'm thinking 'why I would want to pass it along if that is what I am doing?' but I honestly feel overall it's been a great set of training wheels. Some of the specialized packs just are not my cup of tea.

Would faking it be those times I'd rather just take a walk outside? Once you begin to train the mind you can bring awareness into any moment. These days, I've been writing papers ad nauseum and slipping deep into my own head. Sometimes I have to ask myself, "Can you feel the weather right now?" "Are you actually looking at your boyfriend?" "What does this coffee taste like?"

Somewhere I read that meditation is the only time you will be awake if you are not careful. If you live in your thoughts all day, how different is that from dreaming other than you have slightly more influence over the plot line?

Non-sequitur: This same pal told me something neat about his girlfriend which answered an important question in my life. I've asked myself what is the best thing to do for a homeless person in need?

Her answer: have pre-made care packages in your car to hand out. (water+snacks)

15 Minutes

It's been awhile! I finished the creativity pack, and it was...an experience. I don't think I'm more anything, but that's fine.

I'm on on level 3, which is pretty much 15 minutes of silence. Perhaps it is that I feel somewhat at ease and settled or maybe it's just nice not to have a moderator stirring up thoughts as I sit. I'm at a point in the school year where it's easy to feel agitated and unthankful. I try to remind myself how much I wanted to be here and how wonderful it is to have achieved a goal, and that life in a new city is an adventure worth enjoying.

Meditation has been easier to experience. I think still of my version of the Vetruvian man; not reaching forward or backward too much, but preparing to make the most of this day.

Before I meditate I wait for the hot water of my coffee to boil. I press the button to get the water heater working, open the front door and look out at the trees and stretch until I hear the hot water heater click to tell me it's done! I also think about how I am one person and there are many others (even within eye-shot inside their homes) experiencing thoughts and worries like mine. As the coffee steeps, I meditate.

I try to take deep breaths and pay attention to the parts of my body I am thankful for. Even if I feel pain somewhere I try to remember all of the things that don't hurt or annoy me (usually I am thankful for a non-stuffy nose). I have a very hard time sitting still. I try to say "okay" to everything that tries to volley for my attention thought-wise.

That's just where I am at. Perhaps I would like to invite more thoughts on the kind of person I am trying to be.

Cre8iviT

I'm doing the 30 day pack for creativity. Andy (the announcer) asks you to imagine your creative spark to be a small globe of light which radiates from within you, and then emit light out as far away as you can imagine. After a few days you're asked to make a doodle or sentence of whatever pops into your mind first.

It has yielded some strangeness. I would go as far to say that I don't feel any more creative, except that Halloween is coming-so this could be a situation of correlation v. causation.

Whatever, I love pinterest and making things out of my own garbage can, but wouldn't exactly call that meditation...

I'm looking forward to the next challenge pack for 15 minutes of complete silence. When I hear a lot of chatter during the guided meditation it kicks up my mental chatter, too.

Now, maybe you think, "Why don't you just sit in silence for 15 minutes?" To that I say, "You have a definite point, but some of this exercise is about self-awareness, accountability in a new practice and trying something with as much of an open mind as I can muster."

Life overall has been great!

Blog Like a Buddha

A good friend of mine lent me Walk Like a Buddha by Lodro Rinzler

I am tempted to provide insights, but instead I've opted to share highlights/thinking points.

Sangha- A group of Buddhists who will walk with you on your path and provide support and honest feedback which includes "calling you on your s***."

I feel I have a couple of naturally occurring sanghas in my life, recently my new colleagues at school.

"If you are not interested in changing as a person, don't meditate...It highlights your habitual patterns and neuroses and gives you a chance not to engage in that activity so much."

"Your work is to discover your work and then with all of your heart give yourself to it." -Siddhartha Gautama

"What I would recommend is that once you have determined the quality or qualities you want to have as a core tenet in your life, you write this statement out. You can print it out on nice paper and frame it...but make it something that you will actually want to look at regularly. Then post it somewhere that you will see it..."

"In this moment we can connect to our basic goodness. If you are brave, do that. Do not think about the past and how things used to be. Do not fantasize about future consequences. Just be one with bravery and trust your basic goodness to guide you."

The Worst

Enjoying a new read from a pal, Walk Like a Buddha. Page 11 has an anecdote about asking a room full of meditators to raise their hand if they succumb to distraction during their practice. Then ask the room if they think that would make them a terrible meditator, and likely many hands would come back up. Then he comforts the reader with, "there can only be one worst meditator-so it's probably not you." 

I had a pretty good session this morning, unfortunately this peace was quickly shredded by the "mandatory" safety meeting I am required to attend. Of course I could not find the building and was almost late.

Just kidding I was accidentally a half hour early and I'm one of four suckers who is actually attending. Can't wait to repeat my success+sucker=suckercess tomorrow for diversity training.

I feel twice as foolish for losing myself in a swirl of panic right after meditating.

It's like there is a Mom version of me with arms crossed over her apron scolding, "Now, what did I just tell you not to do?"

Me: panic.

MeMom: and what did you do?

Me: have 6 heart attacks.

No more emails with red ink please.

Tea for two

"Whenever Mara--the shadow side--appeared during the Buddha's life, his response was simple and liberating: "I see you Mara," and,"Please, come…let's have tea." In that spirit, this talk explores three approaches to relating to fear with a mindful and compassionate presence. "

Credit to Tim Ferris podcast with guest Tara Branch. Not Michelle branch, nor Tara Reid... 

Mara...not just an Indiana Jones reference?! It's interesting that the story of Mara came to me twice through media this week, when I'd never thought of it before. 

As I understand, Mara represents darkness and chaos. When the Buddha encountered her, he extended an invitation.

Was yesterday perhaps tea with Mara?

I feel lighter and more still today, perhaps because I will see loved ones soon, but perhaps because of yesterday's detox. My session today was surreal -did it in the airport. 

Dreadspace

Completed day 3 of part two for the Anxiety pack.

This one is the hardest series I've ever done, and maybe it is because of the current circumstances of a changed environment. I don't want this time to think or rest.

As I go, I am supposed to recognize thinking versus feeling, and then note if that thought or emotion is a positive, negative or neutral one. Then let it go.

Today I had a big solid block of grief. Deep dark Mahler-style grief. The grief of impending loss. A torrential sadness bigger than myself, like it was coming through me and not even mine.

What an awful thing to make space for, but at the same time, it was in me and maybe I've leeched some of it.

Luckily, I'm flying out tomorrow morning and will get to see my family and friends from home. My boyfriend is coming back with me as my roomie! It is important I don't deny myself a support network but also to continue to persevere/strengthen this practice.