"Ah music, a magic beyond all we do here." -Albus Dumbledore
My heart is so alive in music-I finished a huge show with my school and I'm so floored by their professionalism and poise. It was the hardest show I've ever attempted and I'm still high on gratification.
KUSC-classical station is doing a top 100 countdown of voter-selected picks. This morning I was delighted to hear "Star Wars" as number 40, it really charged me up for my day. This piece might be laughable but it's an incredible gateway drug into the classical world and really snapped me into my purpose for the day.
Tomorrow, two VERY dear friends of mine are coming to dine and play some divine music and the joy and anticipation is unreal. I feel concerts are an end product with undue pressure; rehearsal is a satisfying bonding ritual. I wish I were allowed to sit in on professional rehearsals on a regular basis to see how people work.
I did not run today, but I did my 15 minutes of focus, some yoga and I managed to practice horn. I set a new alarm on my phone for mornings, aside from my wake up-this new one will allow me to do whatever I want and the sound will tell me I absolutely need to get ready for work.
I fixed an Oboe today and my student appreciatively deemed me "Oboe wan kanobe" which is obviously the highest compliment a music teacher can receive. Seeing him play with ease (additionally aided by a stellar new reed I selected just for him) was unabashed love.
Other pleasures in my day-taking out the trash and being surprised by cool morning air and beautiful light.
Discovering I had good feta, bell pepper and cucumber in the fridge to make a delightful post-work snack. Also, enjoying the labors of my Sunday tradition-dedicated to "batching" and making my meals for the week in 1 sweep.
Making a few paper flowers
My Family's text thread
Had a great hair day
Spoke on the phone with my roommate ;) who is out of town. Exchanged lovely words and sentiments, and some silly ones too.
Enjoying a heart full of love and lightness today and wishing the same for you.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Friday, April 24, 2015
Focus
Today my Dad came to see my students' big show (tomorrow). In typical Dad fashion, he drove over 5 hours to stay less than 24-I admire this trait immensely. We scarfed some BBQ and are now mad-chillin.
During winter break he taught me how to use his circa 1980's film camera. We went on a hike and since that trip I tried photos on 3 other rolls of film.
This was a tough time for both of us and it's nice to have captured this period in such a way.
I was a little prepared for this news-but it turns out the only roll that came through was the one my Dad started me on-which is great because it yielded exactly 1 photo from a trip to Eureka I took to visit my childhood best friend as well as this hike.
I experienced (even from the 2 rolls of failed attempts) that working through this medium makes you stop and look and see something; and especially knowing it was going to cost me something and not be an instant gratification thing, I really strove to make sure I was purposeful with every photo.
So, even though I lost some photographs, I gained a lot from really looking and making memories of my everyday. I can still remember bringing a lot of flowers, signs, and landscapes in and out of focus without the hardcopy.
I have a lot to learn, but I've included some of my focus and development (sappiness intended) below:
During winter break he taught me how to use his circa 1980's film camera. We went on a hike and since that trip I tried photos on 3 other rolls of film.
This was a tough time for both of us and it's nice to have captured this period in such a way.
I was a little prepared for this news-but it turns out the only roll that came through was the one my Dad started me on-which is great because it yielded exactly 1 photo from a trip to Eureka I took to visit my childhood best friend as well as this hike.
I experienced (even from the 2 rolls of failed attempts) that working through this medium makes you stop and look and see something; and especially knowing it was going to cost me something and not be an instant gratification thing, I really strove to make sure I was purposeful with every photo.
So, even though I lost some photographs, I gained a lot from really looking and making memories of my everyday. I can still remember bringing a lot of flowers, signs, and landscapes in and out of focus without the hardcopy.
I have a lot to learn, but I've included some of my focus and development (sappiness intended) below:
Tree growing in the creek
Dad walking away in the distance
in Eureka
Accidental foot shot-almost slipped in the water!
My Dad appears in this one, it's a recently split tree-this one is my favorite.
Great consolation prize: I wasn't charged for the rolls that didn't develop, woop!
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Brain dye circa 150 AD
Marcus Aurelius Roman emperor (ce 161–180)
Reminds me about every 5 minutes the human condition is not special or new.
Through not observing what is in the mind of another a man has seldom been seen to be unhappy; but those who do not observe the movements of their own minds must of necessity be unhappy.
This one resonates with me especially today, in that I upset myself both by caring too much how others might judge my work, and for the way I was unsuccessful in harnessing my own thoughts.
For the present is the only thing of which man can be deprived, if it is true that this is the only thing which he has, and that a man cannot lose a thing if he has it not.
Be cheerful also, and see not external help nor the tranquility which others give. A man must stand erect, not be kept erect by others.
I believe in help from friends and family, but I also believe in the cultivation of inner strength. It's very important to me that I strengthen and tap this source first.
Labor not unwillingly, not without regard to the common interest, not without due consideration, nor with distraction; nor let studied ornament set off thy thoughts, and be not wither a man of many words, or busy about too many things.
Be purposeful.
If thou workest at that which is before thee, following right reason seriously, vigorously, calmly, without allowing anything else to distract thee, but keeping thy divine part pure, as if thou shouldst be bound to give it back immediately; if thou holdest to this, expecting nothing, fearing nothing, but satisfied with thy present activity according to nature, and with heroic truth in every word and sound which thou utterest, thou wilt live happy.
Do your thang.
Such are thy habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of thy mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.When thou hast been compelled by circumstances to be disturbed in a manner, quickly return to thyself and do not continue out of tune longer than the compulsion lasts; for thou wilt have more mastery over the harmony by continually recurring to it.
I hit SOS meditation number 2 at lunch today; I did everything I could today to feel successful-food/clothing set up, went running, meditated and showered before work and still came up short.
Working on returning to a balanced disposition. I was reminded today that I don't always have to analyze bad days.
:)
Reminds me about every 5 minutes the human condition is not special or new.
Through not observing what is in the mind of another a man has seldom been seen to be unhappy; but those who do not observe the movements of their own minds must of necessity be unhappy.
This one resonates with me especially today, in that I upset myself both by caring too much how others might judge my work, and for the way I was unsuccessful in harnessing my own thoughts.
For the present is the only thing of which man can be deprived, if it is true that this is the only thing which he has, and that a man cannot lose a thing if he has it not.
Be cheerful also, and see not external help nor the tranquility which others give. A man must stand erect, not be kept erect by others.
I believe in help from friends and family, but I also believe in the cultivation of inner strength. It's very important to me that I strengthen and tap this source first.
Labor not unwillingly, not without regard to the common interest, not without due consideration, nor with distraction; nor let studied ornament set off thy thoughts, and be not wither a man of many words, or busy about too many things.
Be purposeful.
If thou workest at that which is before thee, following right reason seriously, vigorously, calmly, without allowing anything else to distract thee, but keeping thy divine part pure, as if thou shouldst be bound to give it back immediately; if thou holdest to this, expecting nothing, fearing nothing, but satisfied with thy present activity according to nature, and with heroic truth in every word and sound which thou utterest, thou wilt live happy.
Do your thang.
Such are thy habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of thy mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.When thou hast been compelled by circumstances to be disturbed in a manner, quickly return to thyself and do not continue out of tune longer than the compulsion lasts; for thou wilt have more mastery over the harmony by continually recurring to it.
I hit SOS meditation number 2 at lunch today; I did everything I could today to feel successful-food/clothing set up, went running, meditated and showered before work and still came up short.
Working on returning to a balanced disposition. I was reminded today that I don't always have to analyze bad days.
:)
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Sensibly Sensitized
Today was meditation 30!
Did I do it every day? No...but almost. The app reminded me if I do a 30 day streak I will have a month for free. New goal!
I've been staving off a range of colds and a strain of strep bopping around campus. Monday sure threw down the gauntlet as to what kind of week I am up against and when I felt my energy slump last evening I opted for the 9:15 bedtime.
Slept until 6:37 and snuck in session #30. There's emphasis on "being present with what you are doing." Happily for me-this is an effortless task when I'm working. It's gratifying to know I'm so swept up in teaching that I can't think about anything else when its happening. I realized this is the same for me during good rehearsals-of which I recently had the pleasure of experiencing on Sunday. Is teaching and performing a meditation by extension? You are so concentrated in the present that past and future are nearly meaningless.
It's when I'm not working or speaking or playing when I have difficulty being present. Especially meditation.
Many times I have to open my eyes to shut off my thinker. I'm trying to dig myself out of my head and watch what's actually happening around me.
Bolstered by extra sleep and an imaginary gold star, I expected today to be steady. I'm not sure whether it was me, but I felt everyone and thing was especially out to get me. I powered through about an hour and a half of instruction, but felt I was going to completely blow up and ruin some peoples day.
Headspace has an "SOS" meditation and I recognized now was time to pull the trigger. It's a three-minute talk-down. Andy is a little more forceful with you, "STEP OFF THE LEDGE. THERE IS SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR." Those are not his words...perhaps just his intention.
It did help me squirt a few toxic tears out and realize I'd been tensing every muscle from nose to knee. With the personal reminder that I am merely assembling two children's shows, I was able to build a bridge and get over myself. I also worked really hard to remember I had a choice on how I reacted to everything. I grabbed a sliver of dark chocolate, ate it slow enough to let it melt. AND remembered I had some chicken cups to introduce to second grade!
This changed my day
I had about 5 chicken cups for the students to share...it was great. Of course they served a greater musical purpose!
From there my day was not good but great. I read more of Marcus Aurelius' Meditations at lunch and you can expect to see a spew of collected thoughts on that soon.
I'm now off to rehearse for an upcoming recital...next on the meditation agenda is the "Focus" series-I know that meditation should already apply to your everyday life, and I'm certainly making the effort to. I'm hoping this focus session will be especially applicable to recital preparation.
Did I do it every day? No...but almost. The app reminded me if I do a 30 day streak I will have a month for free. New goal!
I've been staving off a range of colds and a strain of strep bopping around campus. Monday sure threw down the gauntlet as to what kind of week I am up against and when I felt my energy slump last evening I opted for the 9:15 bedtime.
Slept until 6:37 and snuck in session #30. There's emphasis on "being present with what you are doing." Happily for me-this is an effortless task when I'm working. It's gratifying to know I'm so swept up in teaching that I can't think about anything else when its happening. I realized this is the same for me during good rehearsals-of which I recently had the pleasure of experiencing on Sunday. Is teaching and performing a meditation by extension? You are so concentrated in the present that past and future are nearly meaningless.
It's when I'm not working or speaking or playing when I have difficulty being present. Especially meditation.
Many times I have to open my eyes to shut off my thinker. I'm trying to dig myself out of my head and watch what's actually happening around me.
Bolstered by extra sleep and an imaginary gold star, I expected today to be steady. I'm not sure whether it was me, but I felt everyone and thing was especially out to get me. I powered through about an hour and a half of instruction, but felt I was going to completely blow up and ruin some peoples day.
Headspace has an "SOS" meditation and I recognized now was time to pull the trigger. It's a three-minute talk-down. Andy is a little more forceful with you, "STEP OFF THE LEDGE. THERE IS SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR." Those are not his words...perhaps just his intention.
It did help me squirt a few toxic tears out and realize I'd been tensing every muscle from nose to knee. With the personal reminder that I am merely assembling two children's shows, I was able to build a bridge and get over myself. I also worked really hard to remember I had a choice on how I reacted to everything. I grabbed a sliver of dark chocolate, ate it slow enough to let it melt. AND remembered I had some chicken cups to introduce to second grade!
This changed my day
I had about 5 chicken cups for the students to share...it was great. Of course they served a greater musical purpose!
From there my day was not good but great. I read more of Marcus Aurelius' Meditations at lunch and you can expect to see a spew of collected thoughts on that soon.
I'm now off to rehearse for an upcoming recital...next on the meditation agenda is the "Focus" series-I know that meditation should already apply to your everyday life, and I'm certainly making the effort to. I'm hoping this focus session will be especially applicable to recital preparation.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Meditations on Meditations
A recount of miracles from the week:
*Mom was recognized for outstanding contributions at work
*Sister received a promotion
*Sister's boyfriend also was promoted
Can't help but feel that it is a continuation of blessings from my Grandma's passing last Thursday.
Last night I left my phone at the home of a fellow blogger, which meant I was without my headspace app for the day.
BUT I had a book to read;
In the beginning he lists his thoughts, which includes his greatest teachers and what they have given him. From what I gathered in the preface, these writings were not for public consumption and represent a genuine reflection. I am immediately inspired to make a list of my own, although it certainly will not be comprehensive.
1. Mrs. Bove- Kindergarten-Opened each day with the same song which could only sound kitschy to fresh ears but holds deep meaning to me still, "It's a beautiful day just to be alive, a beautiful day so glad that I've, got a beautiful day, and I'd like to share it with you."
2. Mrs. Burgess- Second Grade- Consoled me after a failed talent show attempt at the piano by explaining how she was too afraid to play her harp in front of anyone, and how proud she was that I attempted to share my music. She said one day she knew she would "see my name in lights." That meant a lot to a discouraged seven-year old.
3. Mr. Fletcher- Third Grade- Could draw the Magic School Bus like nobody else. Had the distinction of being a male elementary school teacher which I find to be a much needed force in the universe. Classroom management skills on lock, he oozed creativity.
4. Mrs. Stinnett-Fourth Grade-Fed me blue algae, introduced me to my elementary school best friend who I still connect with on a very deep level, even if we don't speak for years at a time. Taught me how to draw a wolf, write in cursive and must have taken some wonderful interest in me because I sobbed on the last day of school that year. She was not afraid to go off-book and be a friend.
5. Mrs. Studer-Elementary Music-Every moment in her classroom was my personal heaven and I think I remember every single song she ever taught. Exposed me to Copland, Gershwin, partner songs, playing recorder like a bo$$ and provided me many performing opportunities. She believed there was music in every child.
6. Senorita Street-Espanol 8th Grade- For igniting a love of language in me.
7. Mr. Williams-High School History-For blending stand up comedy with some seriously cranial exploration of History.
8. Mr. Davis-High School Industrial Welding-For encouraging my skill set and rubbing it in the boys' faces at every opportunity.
9. Pam Trokanski-Middle/High School Dance- For introducing me to some aggressive feminism before it was cool and hiring me for my first job at her studio.
10. Mr. Lange-High School Band-For providing me community, passion and the ultimate direction of my life as a musician.
11. Mrs. Blake-High School English- For reading the opinion essays of high school students and providing inspirational feedback and seriously validating our angst.
12. Jennie-Horn Professor, college-For blending professorship and friendship so seamlessly and meeting every student at their level while managing to help them discover and actualize personal ambition.
13. Bill McElheney-Study Abroad/College-Another perfect blend of friendship and professorship.
14. Dr. Hammer-Wind Ensemble High School/College-One of my first "Music Dads," met me when I was 16 and has never stopped encouraging me. Proponent and inspirer of achieving work-life balance.
15. Dr. Solvik-College/Study Abroad-A messenger who brought to life the best musicians in all of history. I'll go ahead and say I'm in love with him
BUT
In Greek there are four loves:
Agape-Love for mankind
Eros-The sexy kind
Philia-Profound friendship
Storge-Familial
I wish there were a word for a profound love/gratitude for learning. I love the knowledge he gave me so much that I "storge-philia" love him.
16. Dr. Brittin-College-A professor I was too dumb to understand the profoundness of her temperament and character as a young student. She had a child and cancer in my time at school, never missed a day and continues to nourish her network and personal learning on a daily basis. She has become a complete model to me of a life well-lived.
She is a main reason I will be selling 95% of my worldly possessions next month in anticipation of my next life move to Austin, Texas to pursue my masters!
17. Dr. Jonathan Knight-life-Cazadero family and extraordinary cheerleader. I have always thought his attention has been totally undeserved, he's sent me countless books and CDs just for the sake of my perpetual learning. Definition of selfless.
18. Mazz-life-Cazadero family, I will begin the paperwork for his canonization soon. A saint of music education. Humble, self-assured and embodies every good virtue I aspire towards. Seeks hard work and results over glory, dresses up, shows up, consistent as a Swiss watch. One of the few people who will always tell it to me straight and could write a book called, "Schenkerian Psychoanalysis."
So there you have it, my meditation for the day.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Crazy Legs
Monday and Tuesday zapped me this week with some unexpected obligations...seems to be a bit of a theme for me in the professional scheme of things lately.
Both my boyfriend and I came home fried yesterday; we "walked it out" and brain barfed all of the clutter. It's nice to be with someone (not even necessarily romantically) who will confront the yucks and do something about it with you. Walking and being outside is a reminder that there are other things happening in the world and is a fast way to transport outside yourself.
I went to bed early-always great! Woke up without the alarm and sprang for the "weekend coffee" the splurge-y stuff you buy to celebrate with :)
I've been working on a head stand for over a month and I've worked it little-by-little into my morning routine. I surprised myself big time today-there has been a lot of time now where I felt I would never be able to lift my legs off my knees. Turns out, it was just a littttttlllleee extra strength needed and WOOSH my legs went up into the air all crazy and flailed. I felt good to have reached the next step and joyous to know that I still had things to learn to do with my body.
I started meditation 25 and the phone rang (6:45 AM); it was my Dad...Grandma passed away.
I'm more sad in moments where I think my Dad and Aunt don't have a Mom or Dad around anymore. I am tremendously grateful I shared nearly a third of her life with her, I got to see her when she was mentally healthy, tell her about the exciting developments in my life, make her a meal or two, have coffee, hold hands, give kisses...
Well, the day kept going...Grandma is not attending orientation in heaven I guess- she got straight to work and ended my pondering cycle regarding grad school. I got a call offering an assistantship from one University and a grand total of zero dollars from the other. My boyfriend spent nearly an hour sorting out dull details with financial aid on my behalf, which I am extraordinarily grateful for.
There is a view on my way home from work that always stops my mind and reminds me to say thanks. Actually, there's a nice greeting to my day as well...
I practice smiling every time I drive by on my way to this
And say some gratitudes on my way home-I've tried to pull over to take a picture of this particular spectacle but the scene is too enormous...
New goal will be to try and capture it. Today it made me teary (as I've been many times looking at it before) because I almost drove by it without thinking, and I felt like she snapped my eyes to that spot to make me remember, remind me to appreciate and give thanks. I remembered it's the first day in almost 10 years she gets to spend with my Grandpa again.
Grandma was very pious; this vista is a cross overlooking the valley. Perhaps Grandpa was always working to help me achieve my dreams (he was a music teacher, too) but I think Grandma was that one liiiiitlleeeee thing that made the rest of my life WOOOSH today.
Re-attempted meditation 25 when I got home. I would not say I was "effective." But I did it.
Celebrating her life, success and happiness with a glass of champagne tonight <3
Friday, April 3, 2015
Quitter
Meditation 18
They increase in time intervals, so I've been trying to balance the 15 minute slot as opposed to the 10 minutes.
In meditation I have a bajillion thoughts; but I try remembering mid-frenzy that my brain will always generate more, so I need to be consistent in logging them or dismissing them completely. I suppose it is more a practice of non-fixation at this point. Even when things are wonderful (like NOW) my brain does a de-frag and looks for issues where there aren't any. Knock it off, you jerk!
I've been doing Yoga with Adriene for a few months-starting with her 30 day challenge. I learned a lot in the comfort of home (farting allowed) and that yoga classes at the gym could be hit or miss depending on the instructor. I can now get on the mat and create strong sequences.
SO
Today I quit the gym! It feels good-I will miss some of the classes but I feel I took a nice actionable step towards greater financial responsibility/freedom.
I came to a place of ease at some point yesterday-I'm finding some resolutions to life decisions, so that certainly helps. Also, took financial inventory and have a clearer picture what I justify as wants vs. needs. I write down every purchase I made that month and think about whether it was worth it or not. All purchases are set into categories
Total Input
Total Spent
Utilities-Rent/Gas/Electricity/Garbage/Car Expenses
Gas (Car)
Groceries
Other-Purchases not necessarily for fun but I can't escape
Frivolous
non-Sequitur- I got confused on a group thread for a wedding and accidentally sent the Bride's mother and aunt some unsavory photos regarding the upcoming bachelorette. Nobody's Pefect.
They increase in time intervals, so I've been trying to balance the 15 minute slot as opposed to the 10 minutes.
In meditation I have a bajillion thoughts; but I try remembering mid-frenzy that my brain will always generate more, so I need to be consistent in logging them or dismissing them completely. I suppose it is more a practice of non-fixation at this point. Even when things are wonderful (like NOW) my brain does a de-frag and looks for issues where there aren't any. Knock it off, you jerk!
I've been doing Yoga with Adriene for a few months-starting with her 30 day challenge. I learned a lot in the comfort of home (farting allowed) and that yoga classes at the gym could be hit or miss depending on the instructor. I can now get on the mat and create strong sequences.
SO
Today I quit the gym! It feels good-I will miss some of the classes but I feel I took a nice actionable step towards greater financial responsibility/freedom.
I came to a place of ease at some point yesterday-I'm finding some resolutions to life decisions, so that certainly helps. Also, took financial inventory and have a clearer picture what I justify as wants vs. needs. I write down every purchase I made that month and think about whether it was worth it or not. All purchases are set into categories
Total Input
Total Spent
Utilities-Rent/Gas/Electricity/Garbage/Car Expenses
Gas (Car)
Groceries
Other-Purchases not necessarily for fun but I can't escape
Frivolous
non-Sequitur- I got confused on a group thread for a wedding and accidentally sent the Bride's mother and aunt some unsavory photos regarding the upcoming bachelorette. Nobody's Pefect.
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