The Worst

Enjoying a new read from a pal, Walk Like a Buddha. Page 11 has an anecdote about asking a room full of meditators to raise their hand if they succumb to distraction during their practice. Then ask the room if they think that would make them a terrible meditator, and likely many hands would come back up. Then he comforts the reader with, "there can only be one worst meditator-so it's probably not you." 

I had a pretty good session this morning, unfortunately this peace was quickly shredded by the "mandatory" safety meeting I am required to attend. Of course I could not find the building and was almost late.

Just kidding I was accidentally a half hour early and I'm one of four suckers who is actually attending. Can't wait to repeat my success+sucker=suckercess tomorrow for diversity training.

I feel twice as foolish for losing myself in a swirl of panic right after meditating.

It's like there is a Mom version of me with arms crossed over her apron scolding, "Now, what did I just tell you not to do?"

Me: panic.

MeMom: and what did you do?

Me: have 6 heart attacks.

No more emails with red ink please.

Tea for two

"Whenever Mara--the shadow side--appeared during the Buddha's life, his response was simple and liberating: "I see you Mara," and,"Please, come…let's have tea." In that spirit, this talk explores three approaches to relating to fear with a mindful and compassionate presence. "

Credit to Tim Ferris podcast with guest Tara Branch. Not Michelle branch, nor Tara Reid... 

Mara...not just an Indiana Jones reference?! It's interesting that the story of Mara came to me twice through media this week, when I'd never thought of it before. 

As I understand, Mara represents darkness and chaos. When the Buddha encountered her, he extended an invitation.

Was yesterday perhaps tea with Mara?

I feel lighter and more still today, perhaps because I will see loved ones soon, but perhaps because of yesterday's detox. My session today was surreal -did it in the airport. 

Dreadspace

Completed day 3 of part two for the Anxiety pack.

This one is the hardest series I've ever done, and maybe it is because of the current circumstances of a changed environment. I don't want this time to think or rest.

As I go, I am supposed to recognize thinking versus feeling, and then note if that thought or emotion is a positive, negative or neutral one. Then let it go.

Today I had a big solid block of grief. Deep dark Mahler-style grief. The grief of impending loss. A torrential sadness bigger than myself, like it was coming through me and not even mine.

What an awful thing to make space for, but at the same time, it was in me and maybe I've leeched some of it.

Luckily, I'm flying out tomorrow morning and will get to see my family and friends from home. My boyfriend is coming back with me as my roomie! It is important I don't deny myself a support network but also to continue to persevere/strengthen this practice.

Oh Bouy!

For all two of you who read this, rejoice!

I will be applying some extra effort to this personal project upon the universe's invitation via an assignment in my Psychology of Learning class.

More to come, but wanted to mark this shift in style/content :)

A Pause

I'm not saying I will quit meditation...

In a recent conversation-it was posed to me that the exercise can be frustrating if you expect anything from it. Which I do it turns out.

I'm working on the anxiety pack, I'm nearly through 10 days but it's a mental assault. The exercise is to stay with the breath and when something arises, identify it merely as thinking or feeling and then return to the breath without chasing the idea.

Although it's meant to be light, it feels like a chore. I'm more doing it to earn the free month trial for a new friend than for myself.

Unexpected Insight: When you are alone in a new place, it's hard to meet others because you do not want to seem to be an open wound. Also-I'm not 17 anymore and I don't want friends for the sake of friends, it feels dishonest. It does not stop be from being friendly; however I prefer the comfort of internet, phone and books until I've restored by personality.

I've switched in the last 2 days to committing to The Artists Way, Morning Pages. Here, you sign a pact with yourself to write 3 stream-of consciousness pages daily. Also, to take 1 hour a week to feed your inner artist with a solitary activity. So far, I've done one page a day. I'm going to read Leonard Bernstein's The Joy of Music to "feed the artist."

As insane as my brain feels, three pages of handwritten angry is too much; interesting seeing as I've exhausted myself turning it over in my mind all hours/days.

The week brought an onslaught of ego-battering scenarios and sagas; like any child's tantrum it seems they cannot survive too long if you allow them to be robust. If you try and tame them, they become increasingly explosive. Meditation was trying to calm my inner toddler and I hope Morning Pages is the mother who shuts the door and patiently allows wailing and throwing before offering comfort to the exhausted toddler/ego.

It's my second day as a student (again) and I'm DYING for homework-which I never thought I would say. The administrative side of re-entry has been (continues to be) so frustrating that a classroom with a teacher (not me) is a cool drink of water (with muddled lemons, ice and mint).

Also on writing as meditation: My research professor asked we draw up 4 or 5 broad categories and track how much time we spend on each element-to be reported on at the end of a week.

It's only been a few hours but I'm already shocked by un-categorizable time lost to multi-tasking and whimsy-chasing.

I've chosen the following-

Sleep:
Study/TA:
Exercise (gym/walking/journaling/meditation):
Class:
Other:


Maybe you're thinking "Hey, where is eating?! Are you a robot?"

I love eating so much that I religiously batch all my meals on Sundays (I cook every meal and divide them up accordingly) so making food and eating it doesn't take up significant time that I'm aware of. Also, it ensures I have something healthy and delicious on hand and become less likely to spend money on a whim.

Serenity NOW!

The next few days hold pre-requisite tests and advising. SERENITY NOWWWW! (To quote Seinfeld)

I feel much better after a lucky resolution to what could have been a very bad craigslist deal (my fault).

Hooray because:
1) I learned some lessons without having to figuratively or literally pay for it
2) I was prepared to accept my mistake

Peema Chondron's audiobook This Moment is the Perfect Teacher was a good find. Learning to be self-compassionate and let something pass. 

Was I completely at peace with my potentially impending mistake? No...but I wasn't going internally Chernobylize.

Today I stumbled on an old sticky note I'd written to myself

RULE ONE: Find a place you trust, and then try trusting it for awhile.

RULE TWO: General duties of a student — pull everything out of your teacher; pull everything out of your fellow students.

RULE THREE: General duties of a teacher — pull everything out of your students.

RULE FOUR: Consider everything an experiment.

RULE FIVE: Be self-disciplined — this means finding someone wise or smart and choosing to follow them. To be disciplined is to follow in a good way. To be self-disciplined is to follow in a better way.

RULE SIX: Nothing is a mistake. There’s no win and no fail, there’s only make.

RULE SEVEN: The only rule is work. If you work it will lead to something. It’s the people who do all of the work all of the time who eventually catch on to things.

RULE EIGHT: Don’t try to create and analyze at the same time. They’re different processes.

RULE NINE: Be happy whenever you can manage it. Enjoy yourself. It’s lighter than you think.

RULE TEN: “We’re breaking all the rules. Even our own rules. And how do we do that? By leaving plenty of room for X quantities.” (John Cage)

HINTS: Always be around. Come or go to everything. Always go to classes. Read anything you can get your hands on. Look at movies carefully, often. Save everything — it might come in handy later.

I also read this article by The Bulletproof Musician regarding goal-setting

So before the school year gets going…

(1) Take a moment and write down 3-5 goals for the year. What do you want to achieve? What would you like to be able to say you’ve accomplished when you look back on the year?

*Strengthen my musicianship: Horn/Jazz Piano/Voice/or learning Viola

*Contribute positively to my TA position

*Maintain a financial cushion through my skills as a Music Educator or Performer

(2) What milestones or benchmarks would help you gauge whether you’re on track or not? What are some mid-year goals, mid-semester goals, and perhaps even monthly goals that would let you know if your strategies are working or not?

*Meet with professors to discuss progress roughly each quarter

*Keep open communication with the program director

*Track/inventory my finances each month

(3) And finally, what are your learning goals for the year? What are the strategies and processes that will enable you to become a better musician, play at the level you are striving for, and realize the big, exciting, motivating goals that you’ve set for yourself?

*Better understanding and practice of music theory (ideally synthesized through improvisation)

*Improved control in low register and shift into mid-low register

*Increased transposition skills

Vetruvian Me Time

I was reminded I discount what "Me time" is and when it is happening. We have a lot more than we are willing to admit: in the coffee shop, waiting in line (can be nice when AC is involved), setting up during a move. Amidst having time to study for pre-tests and establish a living space, I fool myself by thinking I'm unhappily occupied/stuck in traffic. Not true; my schedule is open for all of the things "I wish I had time for."

Working to enjoy the world as it is happening. The image of the Vetruvian Man came to me yesterday.

Trying not to compete in moving my mind forward or behind, but sitting (or standing) in the middle. ***In my mental image, the extended arms were faded.***


ALSO: to establish myself as a real person show and what this looks like as enacted in real life....here is an excerpt from an email to my boyfriend.

"I'm avoiding self-inflicted angina re: sending a girl $200 on paypal for her gently used Queen bed. WHAT IF SHE DISAPPEARS?! What is small claims court like?!?>!>!?

SHE'S LEAVING TOWN AND WILL NEVER COME BACK

....and other mental catastrophes.

WHICH REMINDS ME I ONLY OWED $150 and I've overpayeddddddd :(

I AM A FOOL. itsgoingtobeokayitsgoingtobeokayitsgoingtobeokay

AHHHH

No Joke, if storing and shipping costs $2000 or less next time...everything is coming with me in nicely labeled boxes and a few insane ones.

This morning I dragged a shelving unit a quarter mile into the apartment from a curb.

#CrossfitEverywhere"