So my new jam is that I have a sewing machine and plan to get real crazy with it.
One of my first tasks is to build a meditation cushion, since the floor isn't quite getting me there.
I had an unexpected medi-talk with someone in my "music sangha." He mentioned how it's annoying that meditation has become main stream, and to a point I agree. I also know enough now to understand that it is a hard thing to fake. Sure, you can pretend to be more calm or enlightened-but that won't mean you actually feel better, so what's the point in that? I don't enjoy thinking about this in the sense of being contrarian, but I do like thinking about faking meditation. If you sit still just to go through the motions, won't it count just the same? Would faking it be more like telling people you do it when you don't?
Would it be like those times I'm trying to get through a meditation streak in order to pass 1 month of headspace to a friend and I let the guided talk play through my headset while I mill about the house....? True confession. Now I'm thinking 'why I would want to pass it along if that is what I am doing?' but I honestly feel overall it's been a great set of training wheels. Some of the specialized packs just are not my cup of tea.
Would faking it be those times I'd rather just take a walk outside? Once you begin to train the mind you can bring awareness into any moment. These days, I've been writing papers ad nauseum and slipping deep into my own head. Sometimes I have to ask myself, "Can you feel the weather right now?" "Are you actually looking at your boyfriend?" "What does this coffee taste like?"
Somewhere I read that meditation is the only time you will be awake if you are not careful. If you live in your thoughts all day, how different is that from dreaming other than you have slightly more influence over the plot line?
Non-sequitur: This same pal told me something neat about his girlfriend which answered an important question in my life. I've asked myself what is the best thing to do for a homeless person in need?
Her answer: have pre-made care packages in your car to hand out. (water+snacks)
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
15 Minutes
It's been awhile! I finished the creativity pack, and it was...an experience. I don't think I'm more anything, but that's fine.
I'm on on level 3, which is pretty much 15 minutes of silence. Perhaps it is that I feel somewhat at ease and settled or maybe it's just nice not to have a moderator stirring up thoughts as I sit. I'm at a point in the school year where it's easy to feel agitated and unthankful. I try to remind myself how much I wanted to be here and how wonderful it is to have achieved a goal, and that life in a new city is an adventure worth enjoying.
Meditation has been easier to experience. I think still of my version of the Vetruvian man; not reaching forward or backward too much, but preparing to make the most of this day.
Before I meditate I wait for the hot water of my coffee to boil. I press the button to get the water heater working, open the front door and look out at the trees and stretch until I hear the hot water heater click to tell me it's done! I also think about how I am one person and there are many others (even within eye-shot inside their homes) experiencing thoughts and worries like mine. As the coffee steeps, I meditate.
I try to take deep breaths and pay attention to the parts of my body I am thankful for. Even if I feel pain somewhere I try to remember all of the things that don't hurt or annoy me (usually I am thankful for a non-stuffy nose). I have a very hard time sitting still. I try to say "okay" to everything that tries to volley for my attention thought-wise.
That's just where I am at. Perhaps I would like to invite more thoughts on the kind of person I am trying to be.
I'm on on level 3, which is pretty much 15 minutes of silence. Perhaps it is that I feel somewhat at ease and settled or maybe it's just nice not to have a moderator stirring up thoughts as I sit. I'm at a point in the school year where it's easy to feel agitated and unthankful. I try to remind myself how much I wanted to be here and how wonderful it is to have achieved a goal, and that life in a new city is an adventure worth enjoying.
Meditation has been easier to experience. I think still of my version of the Vetruvian man; not reaching forward or backward too much, but preparing to make the most of this day.
Before I meditate I wait for the hot water of my coffee to boil. I press the button to get the water heater working, open the front door and look out at the trees and stretch until I hear the hot water heater click to tell me it's done! I also think about how I am one person and there are many others (even within eye-shot inside their homes) experiencing thoughts and worries like mine. As the coffee steeps, I meditate.
I try to take deep breaths and pay attention to the parts of my body I am thankful for. Even if I feel pain somewhere I try to remember all of the things that don't hurt or annoy me (usually I am thankful for a non-stuffy nose). I have a very hard time sitting still. I try to say "okay" to everything that tries to volley for my attention thought-wise.
That's just where I am at. Perhaps I would like to invite more thoughts on the kind of person I am trying to be.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Cre8iviT
I'm doing the 30 day pack for creativity. Andy (the announcer) asks you to imagine your creative spark to be a small globe of light which radiates from within you, and then emit light out as far away as you can imagine. After a few days you're asked to make a doodle or sentence of whatever pops into your mind first.
It has yielded some strangeness. I would go as far to say that I don't feel any more creative, except that Halloween is coming-so this could be a situation of correlation v. causation.
Whatever, I love pinterest and making things out of my own garbage can, but wouldn't exactly call that meditation...
I'm looking forward to the next challenge pack for 15 minutes of complete silence. When I hear a lot of chatter during the guided meditation it kicks up my mental chatter, too.
Now, maybe you think, "Why don't you just sit in silence for 15 minutes?" To that I say, "You have a definite point, but some of this exercise is about self-awareness, accountability in a new practice and trying something with as much of an open mind as I can muster."
Life overall has been great!
It has yielded some strangeness. I would go as far to say that I don't feel any more creative, except that Halloween is coming-so this could be a situation of correlation v. causation.
Whatever, I love pinterest and making things out of my own garbage can, but wouldn't exactly call that meditation...
I'm looking forward to the next challenge pack for 15 minutes of complete silence. When I hear a lot of chatter during the guided meditation it kicks up my mental chatter, too.
Now, maybe you think, "Why don't you just sit in silence for 15 minutes?" To that I say, "You have a definite point, but some of this exercise is about self-awareness, accountability in a new practice and trying something with as much of an open mind as I can muster."
Life overall has been great!
Monday, October 5, 2015
Blog Like a Buddha
A good friend of mine lent me Walk Like a Buddha by Lodro Rinzler
I am tempted to provide insights, but instead I've opted to share highlights/thinking points.
Sangha- A group of Buddhists who will walk with you on your path and provide support and honest feedback which includes "calling you on your s***."
I feel I have a couple of naturally occurring sanghas in my life, recently my new colleagues at school.
"If you are not interested in changing as a person, don't meditate...It highlights your habitual patterns and neuroses and gives you a chance not to engage in that activity so much."
"Your work is to discover your work and then with all of your heart give yourself to it." -Siddhartha Gautama
"What I would recommend is that once you have determined the quality or qualities you want to have as a core tenet in your life, you write this statement out. You can print it out on nice paper and frame it...but make it something that you will actually want to look at regularly. Then post it somewhere that you will see it..."
"In this moment we can connect to our basic goodness. If you are brave, do that. Do not think about the past and how things used to be. Do not fantasize about future consequences. Just be one with bravery and trust your basic goodness to guide you."
I am tempted to provide insights, but instead I've opted to share highlights/thinking points.
Sangha- A group of Buddhists who will walk with you on your path and provide support and honest feedback which includes "calling you on your s***."
I feel I have a couple of naturally occurring sanghas in my life, recently my new colleagues at school.
"If you are not interested in changing as a person, don't meditate...It highlights your habitual patterns and neuroses and gives you a chance not to engage in that activity so much."
"Your work is to discover your work and then with all of your heart give yourself to it." -Siddhartha Gautama
"What I would recommend is that once you have determined the quality or qualities you want to have as a core tenet in your life, you write this statement out. You can print it out on nice paper and frame it...but make it something that you will actually want to look at regularly. Then post it somewhere that you will see it..."
"In this moment we can connect to our basic goodness. If you are brave, do that. Do not think about the past and how things used to be. Do not fantasize about future consequences. Just be one with bravery and trust your basic goodness to guide you."
Monday, September 14, 2015
The Worst
Enjoying a new read from a pal, Walk Like a Buddha. Page 11 has an anecdote about asking a room full of meditators to raise their hand if they succumb to distraction during their practice. Then ask the room if they think that would make them a terrible meditator, and likely many hands would come back up. Then he comforts the reader with, "there can only be one worst meditator-so it's probably not you."
I had a pretty good session this morning, unfortunately this peace was quickly shredded by the "mandatory" safety meeting I am required to attend. Of course I could not find the building and was almost late.
Just kidding I was accidentally a half hour early and I'm one of four suckers who is actually attending. Can't wait to repeat my success+sucker=suckercess tomorrow for diversity training.
I feel twice as foolish for losing myself in a swirl of panic right after meditating.
It's like there is a Mom version of me with arms crossed over her apron scolding, "Now, what did I just tell you not to do?"
Me: panic.
MeMom: and what did you do?
Me: have 6 heart attacks.
No more emails with red ink please.
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Tea for two
"Whenever Mara--the shadow side--appeared during the Buddha's life, his response was simple and liberating: "I see you Mara," and,"Please, come…let's have tea." In that spirit, this talk explores three approaches to relating to fear with a mindful and compassionate presence. "
Credit to Tim Ferris podcast with guest Tara Branch. Not Michelle branch, nor Tara Reid...
Mara...not just an Indiana Jones reference?! It's interesting that the story of Mara came to me twice through media this week, when I'd never thought of it before.
As I understand, Mara represents darkness and chaos. When the Buddha encountered her, he extended an invitation.
Was yesterday perhaps tea with Mara?
I feel lighter and more still today, perhaps because I will see loved ones soon, but perhaps because of yesterday's detox. My session today was surreal -did it in the airport.
Friday, September 4, 2015
Dreadspace
Completed day 3 of part two for the Anxiety pack.
This one is the hardest series I've ever done, and maybe it is because of the current circumstances of a changed environment. I don't want this time to think or rest.
As I go, I am supposed to recognize thinking versus feeling, and then note if that thought or emotion is a positive, negative or neutral one. Then let it go.
Today I had a big solid block of grief. Deep dark Mahler-style grief. The grief of impending loss. A torrential sadness bigger than myself, like it was coming through me and not even mine.
What an awful thing to make space for, but at the same time, it was in me and maybe I've leeched some of it.
Luckily, I'm flying out tomorrow morning and will get to see my family and friends from home. My boyfriend is coming back with me as my roomie! It is important I don't deny myself a support network but also to continue to persevere/strengthen this practice.
This one is the hardest series I've ever done, and maybe it is because of the current circumstances of a changed environment. I don't want this time to think or rest.
As I go, I am supposed to recognize thinking versus feeling, and then note if that thought or emotion is a positive, negative or neutral one. Then let it go.
Today I had a big solid block of grief. Deep dark Mahler-style grief. The grief of impending loss. A torrential sadness bigger than myself, like it was coming through me and not even mine.
What an awful thing to make space for, but at the same time, it was in me and maybe I've leeched some of it.
Luckily, I'm flying out tomorrow morning and will get to see my family and friends from home. My boyfriend is coming back with me as my roomie! It is important I don't deny myself a support network but also to continue to persevere/strengthen this practice.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Oh Bouy!
For all two of you who read this, rejoice!
I will be applying some extra effort to this personal project upon the universe's invitation via an assignment in my Psychology of Learning class.
More to come, but wanted to mark this shift in style/content :)
I will be applying some extra effort to this personal project upon the universe's invitation via an assignment in my Psychology of Learning class.
More to come, but wanted to mark this shift in style/content :)
Thursday, August 27, 2015
A Pause
I'm not saying I will quit meditation...
In a recent conversation-it was posed to me that the exercise can be frustrating if you expect anything from it. Which I do it turns out.
I'm working on the anxiety pack, I'm nearly through 10 days but it's a mental assault. The exercise is to stay with the breath and when something arises, identify it merely as thinking or feeling and then return to the breath without chasing the idea.
Although it's meant to be light, it feels like a chore. I'm more doing it to earn the free month trial for a new friend than for myself.
Unexpected Insight: When you are alone in a new place, it's hard to meet others because you do not want to seem to be an open wound. Also-I'm not 17 anymore and I don't want friends for the sake of friends, it feels dishonest. It does not stop be from being friendly; however I prefer the comfort of internet, phone and books until I've restored by personality.
I've switched in the last 2 days to committing to The Artists Way, Morning Pages. Here, you sign a pact with yourself to write 3 stream-of consciousness pages daily. Also, to take 1 hour a week to feed your inner artist with a solitary activity. So far, I've done one page a day. I'm going to read Leonard Bernstein's The Joy of Music to "feed the artist."
As insane as my brain feels, three pages of handwritten angry is too much; interesting seeing as I've exhausted myself turning it over in my mind all hours/days.
The week brought an onslaught of ego-battering scenarios and sagas; like any child's tantrum it seems they cannot survive too long if you allow them to be robust. If you try and tame them, they become increasingly explosive. Meditation was trying to calm my inner toddler and I hope Morning Pages is the mother who shuts the door and patiently allows wailing and throwing before offering comfort to the exhausted toddler/ego.
It's my second day as a student (again) and I'm DYING for homework-which I never thought I would say. The administrative side of re-entry has been (continues to be) so frustrating that a classroom with a teacher (not me) is a cool drink of water (with muddled lemons, ice and mint).
Also on writing as meditation: My research professor asked we draw up 4 or 5 broad categories and track how much time we spend on each element-to be reported on at the end of a week.
It's only been a few hours but I'm already shocked by un-categorizable time lost to multi-tasking and whimsy-chasing.
I've chosen the following-
Sleep:
Study/TA:
Exercise (gym/walking/journaling/meditation):
Class:
Other:
Maybe you're thinking "Hey, where is eating?! Are you a robot?"
I love eating so much that I religiously batch all my meals on Sundays (I cook every meal and divide them up accordingly) so making food and eating it doesn't take up significant time that I'm aware of. Also, it ensures I have something healthy and delicious on hand and become less likely to spend money on a whim.
In a recent conversation-it was posed to me that the exercise can be frustrating if you expect anything from it. Which I do it turns out.
I'm working on the anxiety pack, I'm nearly through 10 days but it's a mental assault. The exercise is to stay with the breath and when something arises, identify it merely as thinking or feeling and then return to the breath without chasing the idea.
Although it's meant to be light, it feels like a chore. I'm more doing it to earn the free month trial for a new friend than for myself.
Unexpected Insight: When you are alone in a new place, it's hard to meet others because you do not want to seem to be an open wound. Also-I'm not 17 anymore and I don't want friends for the sake of friends, it feels dishonest. It does not stop be from being friendly; however I prefer the comfort of internet, phone and books until I've restored by personality.
I've switched in the last 2 days to committing to The Artists Way, Morning Pages. Here, you sign a pact with yourself to write 3 stream-of consciousness pages daily. Also, to take 1 hour a week to feed your inner artist with a solitary activity. So far, I've done one page a day. I'm going to read Leonard Bernstein's The Joy of Music to "feed the artist."
As insane as my brain feels, three pages of handwritten angry is too much; interesting seeing as I've exhausted myself turning it over in my mind all hours/days.
The week brought an onslaught of ego-battering scenarios and sagas; like any child's tantrum it seems they cannot survive too long if you allow them to be robust. If you try and tame them, they become increasingly explosive. Meditation was trying to calm my inner toddler and I hope Morning Pages is the mother who shuts the door and patiently allows wailing and throwing before offering comfort to the exhausted toddler/ego.
It's my second day as a student (again) and I'm DYING for homework-which I never thought I would say. The administrative side of re-entry has been (continues to be) so frustrating that a classroom with a teacher (not me) is a cool drink of water (with muddled lemons, ice and mint).
Also on writing as meditation: My research professor asked we draw up 4 or 5 broad categories and track how much time we spend on each element-to be reported on at the end of a week.
It's only been a few hours but I'm already shocked by un-categorizable time lost to multi-tasking and whimsy-chasing.
I've chosen the following-
Sleep:
Study/TA:
Exercise (gym/walking/journaling/meditation):
Class:
Other:
Maybe you're thinking "Hey, where is eating?! Are you a robot?"
I love eating so much that I religiously batch all my meals on Sundays (I cook every meal and divide them up accordingly) so making food and eating it doesn't take up significant time that I'm aware of. Also, it ensures I have something healthy and delicious on hand and become less likely to spend money on a whim.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Serenity NOW!
The next few days hold pre-requisite tests and advising. SERENITY NOWWWW! (To quote Seinfeld)
I feel much better after a lucky resolution to what could have been a very bad craigslist deal (my fault).
Hooray because:
1) I learned some lessons without having to figuratively or literally pay for it
2) I was prepared to accept my mistake
Peema Chondron's audiobook This Moment is the Perfect Teacher was a good find. Learning to be self-compassionate and let something pass.
Was I completely at peace with my potentially impending mistake? No...but I wasn't going internally Chernobylize.
Today I stumbled on an old sticky note I'd written to myself
I feel much better after a lucky resolution to what could have been a very bad craigslist deal (my fault).
Hooray because:
1) I learned some lessons without having to figuratively or literally pay for it
2) I was prepared to accept my mistake
Peema Chondron's audiobook This Moment is the Perfect Teacher was a good find. Learning to be self-compassionate and let something pass.
Was I completely at peace with my potentially impending mistake? No...but I wasn't going internally Chernobylize.
Today I stumbled on an old sticky note I'd written to myself
RULE ONE: Find a place you trust, and then try trusting it for awhile.
RULE TWO: General duties of a student — pull everything out of your teacher; pull everything out of your fellow students.
RULE THREE: General duties of a teacher — pull everything out of your students.
RULE FOUR: Consider everything an experiment.
RULE FIVE: Be self-disciplined — this means finding someone wise or smart and choosing to follow them. To be disciplined is to follow in a good way. To be self-disciplined is to follow in a better way.
RULE SIX: Nothing is a mistake. There’s no win and no fail, there’s only make.
RULE SEVEN: The only rule is work. If you work it will lead to something. It’s the people who do all of the work all of the time who eventually catch on to things.
RULE EIGHT: Don’t try to create and analyze at the same time. They’re different processes.
RULE NINE: Be happy whenever you can manage it. Enjoy yourself. It’s lighter than you think.
RULE TEN: “We’re breaking all the rules. Even our own rules. And how do we do that? By leaving plenty of room for X quantities.” (John Cage)
HINTS: Always be around. Come or go to everything. Always go to classes. Read anything you can get your hands on. Look at movies carefully, often. Save everything — it might come in handy later.
I also read this article by The Bulletproof Musician regarding goal-setting
So before the school year gets going…
(1) Take a moment and write down 3-5 goals for the year. What do you want to achieve? What would you like to be able to say you’ve accomplished when you look back on the year?
*Strengthen my musicianship: Horn/Jazz Piano/Voice/or learning Viola
*Contribute positively to my TA position
*Maintain a financial cushion through my skills as a Music Educator or Performer
(2) What milestones or benchmarks would help you gauge whether you’re on track or not? What are some mid-year goals, mid-semester goals, and perhaps even monthly goals that would let you know if your strategies are working or not?
*Meet with professors to discuss progress roughly each quarter
*Keep open communication with the program director
*Track/inventory my finances each month
(3) And finally, what are your learning goals for the year? What are the strategies and processes that will enable you to become a better musician, play at the level you are striving for, and realize the big, exciting, motivating goals that you’ve set for yourself?
*Better understanding and practice of music theory (ideally synthesized through improvisation)
*Improved control in low register and shift into mid-low register
*Increased transposition skills
Friday, August 14, 2015
Vetruvian Me Time
I was reminded I discount what "Me time" is and when it is happening. We have a lot more than we are willing to admit: in the coffee shop, waiting in line (can be nice when AC is involved), setting up during a move. Amidst having time to study for pre-tests and establish a living space, I fool myself by thinking I'm unhappily occupied/stuck in traffic. Not true; my schedule is open for all of the things "I wish I had time for."
Working to enjoy the world as it is happening. The image of the Vetruvian Man came to me yesterday.
Trying not to compete in moving my mind forward or behind, but sitting (or standing) in the middle. ***In my mental image, the extended arms were faded.***
ALSO: to establish myself as a real person show and what this looks like as enacted in real life....here is an excerpt from an email to my boyfriend.
Working to enjoy the world as it is happening. The image of the Vetruvian Man came to me yesterday.
ALSO: to establish myself as a real person show and what this looks like as enacted in real life....here is an excerpt from an email to my boyfriend.
"I'm avoiding self-inflicted angina re: sending a girl $200 on paypal for her gently used Queen bed. WHAT IF SHE DISAPPEARS?! What is small claims court like?!?>!>!?
SHE'S LEAVING TOWN AND WILL NEVER COME BACK
....and other mental catastrophes.
WHICH REMINDS ME I ONLY OWED $150 and I've overpayeddddddd :(
I AM A FOOL. itsgoingtobeokayitsgoingtobeok
AHHHH
No Joke, if storing and shipping costs $2000 or less next time...everything is coming with me in nicely labeled boxes and a few insane ones.
This morning I dragged a shelving unit a quarter mile into the apartment from a curb.
#CrossfitEverywhere"
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Road Trippin'
So...out of the woods in the literal sense! It's day 4 of a road trip from LA to Austin, Texas with my Mom <3
I completed the appreciation pack and have moved on to attempting "Level 1" which is an introduction to meditation minus training wheels. The sessions are in 15 minute increments.
I'm amazed at how much life has evolved in the past 6 months. I've been eagerly anticipating this part of the transition and now that it is here, I'm caught up in unhelpful self-talk and weird, foggy, murky feelings.
Trying to remedy by exercising stoicism and patience (with mixed results).
How can I fuel patience with trust? By trusting that my impatience will yield answers. Trusting that answers will come, but this moment of freedom and quality time with my Mother will not.
I want to focus on every facet which makes her special.
I completed the appreciation pack and have moved on to attempting "Level 1" which is an introduction to meditation minus training wheels. The sessions are in 15 minute increments.
I'm amazed at how much life has evolved in the past 6 months. I've been eagerly anticipating this part of the transition and now that it is here, I'm caught up in unhelpful self-talk and weird, foggy, murky feelings.
Trying to remedy by exercising stoicism and patience (with mixed results).
How can I fuel patience with trust? By trusting that my impatience will yield answers. Trusting that answers will come, but this moment of freedom and quality time with my Mother will not.
I want to focus on every facet which makes her special.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Taking off the Training Wheels
I've been working my summer gig-located in the heart of the redwoods. Needless to say the wifi is abysmal amongst the giants :)
I can't download headspace daily, so it was recommended to me I begin a journey into meditation al fresco...doing it the old fashioned way. Funny enough, I had not considered this.
Before camp I was working on the balance pack; setting an intention on tracking feelings, work, and exercise to work together harmoniously.
I love how little time I spend looking in a mirror or checking my phone in the outdoors and how much we on the people in front of us. This can be overwhelming if there is something in your life you would like to change-it's easy to become overly introspective. On the flip-side there are many like-minded people to talk you through.
This summer is markedly different from last year in terms of dealing with answers and outcomes rather than asking myself questions.
I can't download headspace daily, so it was recommended to me I begin a journey into meditation al fresco...doing it the old fashioned way. Funny enough, I had not considered this.
Before camp I was working on the balance pack; setting an intention on tracking feelings, work, and exercise to work together harmoniously.
I love how little time I spend looking in a mirror or checking my phone in the outdoors and how much we on the people in front of us. This can be overwhelming if there is something in your life you would like to change-it's easy to become overly introspective. On the flip-side there are many like-minded people to talk you through.
This summer is markedly different from last year in terms of dealing with answers and outcomes rather than asking myself questions.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Antsy-impatient-anticipation
"It can take awhile to settle into the idea of resting in uncertainty, not knowing what is coming next. Not anticipating, not waiting. Not expecting. Simply allowing one moment to reveal itself after the next. That's hard enough when it comes to the external world...but the internal, that's even more difficult. Be patient with yourself, kind to your mind and gentle to yourself. There's no way you are going to perfect this in 10 days..."
Andy (change pack, session 7)
Andy (change pack, session 7)
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Spare Change
Very shifty week-moved out of LA, finished my teaching job of four years and on to the next steps in my adventure!
I fell off the meditation wagon but snuck in a session the other day which highlighted something I had been thinking about, it was nice to formally recognize it.
It's easy to be nagged by an unpleasant feeling and often forgotten to notice absence of a negative feeling. For me, a lot of anxiety has been oozing from my muscles now that the plugs have been pulled.
Just trying to sink into the fact we are truly in summer!
I fell off the meditation wagon but snuck in a session the other day which highlighted something I had been thinking about, it was nice to formally recognize it.
It's easy to be nagged by an unpleasant feeling and often forgotten to notice absence of a negative feeling. For me, a lot of anxiety has been oozing from my muscles now that the plugs have been pulled.
Just trying to sink into the fact we are truly in summer!
Monday, May 25, 2015
Making Space
I've broken a +40 day meditation streak by having too much fun over the last 48 hours. Making peace with it although I can't help but wonder what the pay off would be for making it to 60 or 100!
BUT, that shouldn't be my motivating factor to practice. The point is to keep a steady mind and that seems to be happening :)
All of the events I've been holding my breath over are happening, and it's great!
Finished the "focus" sequence on headspace and have begun the "change" sequence. Excited to see what it has in store!
The apartment is nearly empty, concerts are coming to a close...school year wrapping up...recital on the horizon...
Probably there should be more to say, but not everything needs to be said...it's just...going! It's probably a blessing to have so much action to override the dangers of over-thinking.
I'm full of pride and gratitude for everything I have in my life and reflective on the past five years since graduating college. I've strengthened my mind, body, skills and character and I hope to continue to do so. Here comes the new phase!
BUT, that shouldn't be my motivating factor to practice. The point is to keep a steady mind and that seems to be happening :)
All of the events I've been holding my breath over are happening, and it's great!
Finished the "focus" sequence on headspace and have begun the "change" sequence. Excited to see what it has in store!
The apartment is nearly empty, concerts are coming to a close...school year wrapping up...recital on the horizon...
Probably there should be more to say, but not everything needs to be said...it's just...going! It's probably a blessing to have so much action to override the dangers of over-thinking.
I'm full of pride and gratitude for everything I have in my life and reflective on the past five years since graduating college. I've strengthened my mind, body, skills and character and I hope to continue to do so. Here comes the new phase!
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Making Moves
Feeling empowered by the perseverance I've displayed in the past week, even if every gesture is not immediately fruitful.
The 9 hour moving sale generated a whopping $40 today (but I spent $10 on posters; half of which were removed before the end of the day...balls). It's still progress; managed to put things in boxes and brutally decided what must go. Washed some surfaces, boxed things. It wasn't so hard just to let people have stuff when I realized the hassle involved in prolonging the process. It's also fun to see people get emotionally charged up about your shit. Very strange to hear them rummaging in your closets.
Not turning profits but perhaps buying peace of mind.
Was accosted by a man wearing an anxious 2.5 foot tropical parrot on his chest...he was offended by my "overpriced" kazoo collection (as was the parrot). He bought board games, a whoopie cushion and was very interested in a 1/3 consumed jumbo-sized bottle of Jack. Then he was upset I was charging 50 cents a towel and wanted a quilt. $10 total. If you and your freaky parrot need to be angry in a blanket, sitting on dirty towels playing 1950's board games and drinking a bottle of Jack...I'm happy to have been of service. Also relieved you are gone and not killing me.
Headstand number two today-it's not a fluke! It's a real thing I can do! Well-the first time I just farted real hard and fell down laughing, so a second attempt was in order.
Recovered from a cold; deep appreciation for a nose that doesn't feel and sound like the final sip of a tepid jamba juice.
Recital prep is going well and my listening buddy says I'm ready to rock! Sorry to repeat myself-but I've outsourced my criticism to a great Horn player who listens to practice sessions and provides notes and vice versa.
My mind is very active during focus sessions. One thought becomes another becomes another becomes another oh man how longhasthisbeendoingthissaaAAHHH! What a waste if it's not solving something, or at least pleasant.
Trying to notice when I've spring-loaded my shoulders and legs throughout the day. Try to enjoy sparse minutes I can claim to re-set myself. Supposed to have a neutral object to practice on 5 times daily, but that hasn't happened.
15 minutes Run. 15 minutes Yoga . 15 minutes Meditate. 1 hour Practice. Eat well. Sleep at least 8 hours. Be nice as humanly possible.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Onward and Upward
TODAY I COMPLETED MY FIRST HAND STAND!
I think I'm at the brink of re-gaining more control over my mind and feelings regardless of the outside stimulants of trying to move/preparing for a recital/finishing my job/finding a replacement/dealing with "the man"/finishing my credentialing program/being a good friend and family member.
Also re-motivating my practice routine through recordings I'm swapping with a fellow hornist. It's great not to "create and analyze at the same time." When I play, I feel I'm making music for her, not for my own judgment. It's been a positive step in the process.
Chamber Music and a slumber party on Tuesday night re-charged my being. It was a mini stay-cation in the city. Beautiful to share time and art with people I love dearly.
I think I'm at the brink of re-gaining more control over my mind and feelings regardless of the outside stimulants of trying to move/preparing for a recital/finishing my job/finding a replacement/dealing with "the man"/finishing my credentialing program/being a good friend and family member.
Also re-motivating my practice routine through recordings I'm swapping with a fellow hornist. It's great not to "create and analyze at the same time." When I play, I feel I'm making music for her, not for my own judgment. It's been a positive step in the process.
Chamber Music and a slumber party on Tuesday night re-charged my being. It was a mini stay-cation in the city. Beautiful to share time and art with people I love dearly.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
If a tree falls in the forest, and nobody is there to hear it....
PSA I love the library. It is so magical, I hardly understand how stores exist with books in them.
Browsed through a browsable book: Buddha in Blue Jeans
"Listening to others affirms them, blesses them, connects you to them, and harmonizes you with them. Listen without an agenda. Listen without expectations. Listen to the words. Listen to the experience behind the words. Listen to body postures and expressions. Listen to emotional tone. Listen without taking it personally. Listening gets you out of your self centered camp. Listening is kindness. Enjoy listening to others. You will learn this through sitting quietly."
I'm trying to listen as much as I can before a momentously transitional summer. I'm moving from California to Texas by August! I'll spend my summer involved in lovely weddings and in my second home (maybe it's become my first)-the redwoods for my 11th summer at music camp.
This means EVERYTHING MUST GO by May 28th-ish....
Segue to other literary droplets...
Nature by Ralph Waldo Emerson
"In the woods we return to reason and faith. There I feel that nothing can befall me in life-no disgrace, no calamity...which nature cannot repair. Standing on the bare ground, my head bathed by the blithe air, and uplifted into infinite space, -all mean egotism vanishes."
I'm excited to see what the forest has to tell me this year.
I'm stunned by the extra minutes I squeeze from my day if rested enough. I waste time periodically on account of my phone or the internet; addicted to the belief that I will be thoroughly entertained by a friend/family member/ article/meme. Most of the time I am just wasting it...what I really need in those moments is rest because I'm too lazy to do something meaningful. Often times great texts/emails are received when you've walked away and engaged with something else!
I've been on a 3 day crafting binge. Jewelry, party favors, decorations, notions. The living room looks like a Joann's craft store was shot out of a hot dog cannon. Add unfolded laundry and a sprinkling of instruments, sheet music....and just avoid the kitchen completely. Actually the bathroom's pretty sick, too.
Reached 15 days in a row of meditation (I first typed medication, but that's not true)! I'm glad I started this practice when I did because I could be overwhelmed by life right now. The bottom line is everything I am experiencing is joyous. I got everything I asked for.
I don't want to become a shitty Cathy cartoon, all caught up in shutting down power/30 day notices/selling things. There is so much to savor while I can.
Today I learned how to make mayonnaise. I steamed an artichoke, sat in the front yard, enjoyed the weather and listened to an otherwise restrained neighbor lose his mind watching the Clippers game!
Handstand progress, I'm UP! But then my ass pulls me to the floor, gravity check! I keep trying :)
Browsed through a browsable book: Buddha in Blue Jeans
"Listening to others affirms them, blesses them, connects you to them, and harmonizes you with them. Listen without an agenda. Listen without expectations. Listen to the words. Listen to the experience behind the words. Listen to body postures and expressions. Listen to emotional tone. Listen without taking it personally. Listening gets you out of your self centered camp. Listening is kindness. Enjoy listening to others. You will learn this through sitting quietly."
I'm trying to listen as much as I can before a momentously transitional summer. I'm moving from California to Texas by August! I'll spend my summer involved in lovely weddings and in my second home (maybe it's become my first)-the redwoods for my 11th summer at music camp.
This means EVERYTHING MUST GO by May 28th-ish....
Segue to other literary droplets...
Nature by Ralph Waldo Emerson
"In the woods we return to reason and faith. There I feel that nothing can befall me in life-no disgrace, no calamity...which nature cannot repair. Standing on the bare ground, my head bathed by the blithe air, and uplifted into infinite space, -all mean egotism vanishes."
I'm excited to see what the forest has to tell me this year.
I'm stunned by the extra minutes I squeeze from my day if rested enough. I waste time periodically on account of my phone or the internet; addicted to the belief that I will be thoroughly entertained by a friend/family member/ article/meme. Most of the time I am just wasting it...what I really need in those moments is rest because I'm too lazy to do something meaningful. Often times great texts/emails are received when you've walked away and engaged with something else!
I've been on a 3 day crafting binge. Jewelry, party favors, decorations, notions. The living room looks like a Joann's craft store was shot out of a hot dog cannon. Add unfolded laundry and a sprinkling of instruments, sheet music....and just avoid the kitchen completely. Actually the bathroom's pretty sick, too.
Reached 15 days in a row of meditation (I first typed medication, but that's not true)! I'm glad I started this practice when I did because I could be overwhelmed by life right now. The bottom line is everything I am experiencing is joyous. I got everything I asked for.
I don't want to become a shitty Cathy cartoon, all caught up in shutting down power/30 day notices/selling things. There is so much to savor while I can.
Today I learned how to make mayonnaise. I steamed an artichoke, sat in the front yard, enjoyed the weather and listened to an otherwise restrained neighbor lose his mind watching the Clippers game!
Handstand progress, I'm UP! But then my ass pulls me to the floor, gravity check! I keep trying :)
Monday, April 27, 2015
Per aspera ad astra
"Ah music, a magic beyond all we do here." -Albus Dumbledore
My heart is so alive in music-I finished a huge show with my school and I'm so floored by their professionalism and poise. It was the hardest show I've ever attempted and I'm still high on gratification.
KUSC-classical station is doing a top 100 countdown of voter-selected picks. This morning I was delighted to hear "Star Wars" as number 40, it really charged me up for my day. This piece might be laughable but it's an incredible gateway drug into the classical world and really snapped me into my purpose for the day.
Tomorrow, two VERY dear friends of mine are coming to dine and play some divine music and the joy and anticipation is unreal. I feel concerts are an end product with undue pressure; rehearsal is a satisfying bonding ritual. I wish I were allowed to sit in on professional rehearsals on a regular basis to see how people work.
I did not run today, but I did my 15 minutes of focus, some yoga and I managed to practice horn. I set a new alarm on my phone for mornings, aside from my wake up-this new one will allow me to do whatever I want and the sound will tell me I absolutely need to get ready for work.
I fixed an Oboe today and my student appreciatively deemed me "Oboe wan kanobe" which is obviously the highest compliment a music teacher can receive. Seeing him play with ease (additionally aided by a stellar new reed I selected just for him) was unabashed love.
Other pleasures in my day-taking out the trash and being surprised by cool morning air and beautiful light.
Discovering I had good feta, bell pepper and cucumber in the fridge to make a delightful post-work snack. Also, enjoying the labors of my Sunday tradition-dedicated to "batching" and making my meals for the week in 1 sweep.
Making a few paper flowers
My Family's text thread
Had a great hair day
Spoke on the phone with my roommate ;) who is out of town. Exchanged lovely words and sentiments, and some silly ones too.
Enjoying a heart full of love and lightness today and wishing the same for you.
My heart is so alive in music-I finished a huge show with my school and I'm so floored by their professionalism and poise. It was the hardest show I've ever attempted and I'm still high on gratification.
KUSC-classical station is doing a top 100 countdown of voter-selected picks. This morning I was delighted to hear "Star Wars" as number 40, it really charged me up for my day. This piece might be laughable but it's an incredible gateway drug into the classical world and really snapped me into my purpose for the day.
Tomorrow, two VERY dear friends of mine are coming to dine and play some divine music and the joy and anticipation is unreal. I feel concerts are an end product with undue pressure; rehearsal is a satisfying bonding ritual. I wish I were allowed to sit in on professional rehearsals on a regular basis to see how people work.
I did not run today, but I did my 15 minutes of focus, some yoga and I managed to practice horn. I set a new alarm on my phone for mornings, aside from my wake up-this new one will allow me to do whatever I want and the sound will tell me I absolutely need to get ready for work.
I fixed an Oboe today and my student appreciatively deemed me "Oboe wan kanobe" which is obviously the highest compliment a music teacher can receive. Seeing him play with ease (additionally aided by a stellar new reed I selected just for him) was unabashed love.
Other pleasures in my day-taking out the trash and being surprised by cool morning air and beautiful light.
Discovering I had good feta, bell pepper and cucumber in the fridge to make a delightful post-work snack. Also, enjoying the labors of my Sunday tradition-dedicated to "batching" and making my meals for the week in 1 sweep.
Making a few paper flowers
My Family's text thread
Had a great hair day
Spoke on the phone with my roommate ;) who is out of town. Exchanged lovely words and sentiments, and some silly ones too.
Enjoying a heart full of love and lightness today and wishing the same for you.
Friday, April 24, 2015
Focus
Today my Dad came to see my students' big show (tomorrow). In typical Dad fashion, he drove over 5 hours to stay less than 24-I admire this trait immensely. We scarfed some BBQ and are now mad-chillin.
During winter break he taught me how to use his circa 1980's film camera. We went on a hike and since that trip I tried photos on 3 other rolls of film.
This was a tough time for both of us and it's nice to have captured this period in such a way.
I was a little prepared for this news-but it turns out the only roll that came through was the one my Dad started me on-which is great because it yielded exactly 1 photo from a trip to Eureka I took to visit my childhood best friend as well as this hike.
I experienced (even from the 2 rolls of failed attempts) that working through this medium makes you stop and look and see something; and especially knowing it was going to cost me something and not be an instant gratification thing, I really strove to make sure I was purposeful with every photo.
So, even though I lost some photographs, I gained a lot from really looking and making memories of my everyday. I can still remember bringing a lot of flowers, signs, and landscapes in and out of focus without the hardcopy.
I have a lot to learn, but I've included some of my focus and development (sappiness intended) below:
During winter break he taught me how to use his circa 1980's film camera. We went on a hike and since that trip I tried photos on 3 other rolls of film.
This was a tough time for both of us and it's nice to have captured this period in such a way.
I was a little prepared for this news-but it turns out the only roll that came through was the one my Dad started me on-which is great because it yielded exactly 1 photo from a trip to Eureka I took to visit my childhood best friend as well as this hike.
I experienced (even from the 2 rolls of failed attempts) that working through this medium makes you stop and look and see something; and especially knowing it was going to cost me something and not be an instant gratification thing, I really strove to make sure I was purposeful with every photo.
So, even though I lost some photographs, I gained a lot from really looking and making memories of my everyday. I can still remember bringing a lot of flowers, signs, and landscapes in and out of focus without the hardcopy.
I have a lot to learn, but I've included some of my focus and development (sappiness intended) below:
Tree growing in the creek
Dad walking away in the distance
in Eureka
Accidental foot shot-almost slipped in the water!
My Dad appears in this one, it's a recently split tree-this one is my favorite.
Great consolation prize: I wasn't charged for the rolls that didn't develop, woop!
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Brain dye circa 150 AD
Marcus Aurelius Roman emperor (ce 161–180)
Reminds me about every 5 minutes the human condition is not special or new.
Through not observing what is in the mind of another a man has seldom been seen to be unhappy; but those who do not observe the movements of their own minds must of necessity be unhappy.
This one resonates with me especially today, in that I upset myself both by caring too much how others might judge my work, and for the way I was unsuccessful in harnessing my own thoughts.
For the present is the only thing of which man can be deprived, if it is true that this is the only thing which he has, and that a man cannot lose a thing if he has it not.
Be cheerful also, and see not external help nor the tranquility which others give. A man must stand erect, not be kept erect by others.
I believe in help from friends and family, but I also believe in the cultivation of inner strength. It's very important to me that I strengthen and tap this source first.
Labor not unwillingly, not without regard to the common interest, not without due consideration, nor with distraction; nor let studied ornament set off thy thoughts, and be not wither a man of many words, or busy about too many things.
Be purposeful.
If thou workest at that which is before thee, following right reason seriously, vigorously, calmly, without allowing anything else to distract thee, but keeping thy divine part pure, as if thou shouldst be bound to give it back immediately; if thou holdest to this, expecting nothing, fearing nothing, but satisfied with thy present activity according to nature, and with heroic truth in every word and sound which thou utterest, thou wilt live happy.
Do your thang.
Such are thy habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of thy mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.When thou hast been compelled by circumstances to be disturbed in a manner, quickly return to thyself and do not continue out of tune longer than the compulsion lasts; for thou wilt have more mastery over the harmony by continually recurring to it.
I hit SOS meditation number 2 at lunch today; I did everything I could today to feel successful-food/clothing set up, went running, meditated and showered before work and still came up short.
Working on returning to a balanced disposition. I was reminded today that I don't always have to analyze bad days.
:)
Reminds me about every 5 minutes the human condition is not special or new.
Through not observing what is in the mind of another a man has seldom been seen to be unhappy; but those who do not observe the movements of their own minds must of necessity be unhappy.
This one resonates with me especially today, in that I upset myself both by caring too much how others might judge my work, and for the way I was unsuccessful in harnessing my own thoughts.
For the present is the only thing of which man can be deprived, if it is true that this is the only thing which he has, and that a man cannot lose a thing if he has it not.
Be cheerful also, and see not external help nor the tranquility which others give. A man must stand erect, not be kept erect by others.
I believe in help from friends and family, but I also believe in the cultivation of inner strength. It's very important to me that I strengthen and tap this source first.
Labor not unwillingly, not without regard to the common interest, not without due consideration, nor with distraction; nor let studied ornament set off thy thoughts, and be not wither a man of many words, or busy about too many things.
Be purposeful.
If thou workest at that which is before thee, following right reason seriously, vigorously, calmly, without allowing anything else to distract thee, but keeping thy divine part pure, as if thou shouldst be bound to give it back immediately; if thou holdest to this, expecting nothing, fearing nothing, but satisfied with thy present activity according to nature, and with heroic truth in every word and sound which thou utterest, thou wilt live happy.
Do your thang.
Such are thy habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of thy mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.When thou hast been compelled by circumstances to be disturbed in a manner, quickly return to thyself and do not continue out of tune longer than the compulsion lasts; for thou wilt have more mastery over the harmony by continually recurring to it.
I hit SOS meditation number 2 at lunch today; I did everything I could today to feel successful-food/clothing set up, went running, meditated and showered before work and still came up short.
Working on returning to a balanced disposition. I was reminded today that I don't always have to analyze bad days.
:)
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Sensibly Sensitized
Today was meditation 30!
Did I do it every day? No...but almost. The app reminded me if I do a 30 day streak I will have a month for free. New goal!
I've been staving off a range of colds and a strain of strep bopping around campus. Monday sure threw down the gauntlet as to what kind of week I am up against and when I felt my energy slump last evening I opted for the 9:15 bedtime.
Slept until 6:37 and snuck in session #30. There's emphasis on "being present with what you are doing." Happily for me-this is an effortless task when I'm working. It's gratifying to know I'm so swept up in teaching that I can't think about anything else when its happening. I realized this is the same for me during good rehearsals-of which I recently had the pleasure of experiencing on Sunday. Is teaching and performing a meditation by extension? You are so concentrated in the present that past and future are nearly meaningless.
It's when I'm not working or speaking or playing when I have difficulty being present. Especially meditation.
Many times I have to open my eyes to shut off my thinker. I'm trying to dig myself out of my head and watch what's actually happening around me.
Bolstered by extra sleep and an imaginary gold star, I expected today to be steady. I'm not sure whether it was me, but I felt everyone and thing was especially out to get me. I powered through about an hour and a half of instruction, but felt I was going to completely blow up and ruin some peoples day.
Headspace has an "SOS" meditation and I recognized now was time to pull the trigger. It's a three-minute talk-down. Andy is a little more forceful with you, "STEP OFF THE LEDGE. THERE IS SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR." Those are not his words...perhaps just his intention.
It did help me squirt a few toxic tears out and realize I'd been tensing every muscle from nose to knee. With the personal reminder that I am merely assembling two children's shows, I was able to build a bridge and get over myself. I also worked really hard to remember I had a choice on how I reacted to everything. I grabbed a sliver of dark chocolate, ate it slow enough to let it melt. AND remembered I had some chicken cups to introduce to second grade!
This changed my day
I had about 5 chicken cups for the students to share...it was great. Of course they served a greater musical purpose!
From there my day was not good but great. I read more of Marcus Aurelius' Meditations at lunch and you can expect to see a spew of collected thoughts on that soon.
I'm now off to rehearse for an upcoming recital...next on the meditation agenda is the "Focus" series-I know that meditation should already apply to your everyday life, and I'm certainly making the effort to. I'm hoping this focus session will be especially applicable to recital preparation.
Did I do it every day? No...but almost. The app reminded me if I do a 30 day streak I will have a month for free. New goal!
I've been staving off a range of colds and a strain of strep bopping around campus. Monday sure threw down the gauntlet as to what kind of week I am up against and when I felt my energy slump last evening I opted for the 9:15 bedtime.
Slept until 6:37 and snuck in session #30. There's emphasis on "being present with what you are doing." Happily for me-this is an effortless task when I'm working. It's gratifying to know I'm so swept up in teaching that I can't think about anything else when its happening. I realized this is the same for me during good rehearsals-of which I recently had the pleasure of experiencing on Sunday. Is teaching and performing a meditation by extension? You are so concentrated in the present that past and future are nearly meaningless.
It's when I'm not working or speaking or playing when I have difficulty being present. Especially meditation.
Many times I have to open my eyes to shut off my thinker. I'm trying to dig myself out of my head and watch what's actually happening around me.
Bolstered by extra sleep and an imaginary gold star, I expected today to be steady. I'm not sure whether it was me, but I felt everyone and thing was especially out to get me. I powered through about an hour and a half of instruction, but felt I was going to completely blow up and ruin some peoples day.
Headspace has an "SOS" meditation and I recognized now was time to pull the trigger. It's a three-minute talk-down. Andy is a little more forceful with you, "STEP OFF THE LEDGE. THERE IS SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR." Those are not his words...perhaps just his intention.
It did help me squirt a few toxic tears out and realize I'd been tensing every muscle from nose to knee. With the personal reminder that I am merely assembling two children's shows, I was able to build a bridge and get over myself. I also worked really hard to remember I had a choice on how I reacted to everything. I grabbed a sliver of dark chocolate, ate it slow enough to let it melt. AND remembered I had some chicken cups to introduce to second grade!
This changed my day
I had about 5 chicken cups for the students to share...it was great. Of course they served a greater musical purpose!
From there my day was not good but great. I read more of Marcus Aurelius' Meditations at lunch and you can expect to see a spew of collected thoughts on that soon.
I'm now off to rehearse for an upcoming recital...next on the meditation agenda is the "Focus" series-I know that meditation should already apply to your everyday life, and I'm certainly making the effort to. I'm hoping this focus session will be especially applicable to recital preparation.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Meditations on Meditations
A recount of miracles from the week:
*Mom was recognized for outstanding contributions at work
*Sister received a promotion
*Sister's boyfriend also was promoted
Can't help but feel that it is a continuation of blessings from my Grandma's passing last Thursday.
Last night I left my phone at the home of a fellow blogger, which meant I was without my headspace app for the day.
BUT I had a book to read;
In the beginning he lists his thoughts, which includes his greatest teachers and what they have given him. From what I gathered in the preface, these writings were not for public consumption and represent a genuine reflection. I am immediately inspired to make a list of my own, although it certainly will not be comprehensive.
1. Mrs. Bove- Kindergarten-Opened each day with the same song which could only sound kitschy to fresh ears but holds deep meaning to me still, "It's a beautiful day just to be alive, a beautiful day so glad that I've, got a beautiful day, and I'd like to share it with you."
2. Mrs. Burgess- Second Grade- Consoled me after a failed talent show attempt at the piano by explaining how she was too afraid to play her harp in front of anyone, and how proud she was that I attempted to share my music. She said one day she knew she would "see my name in lights." That meant a lot to a discouraged seven-year old.
3. Mr. Fletcher- Third Grade- Could draw the Magic School Bus like nobody else. Had the distinction of being a male elementary school teacher which I find to be a much needed force in the universe. Classroom management skills on lock, he oozed creativity.
4. Mrs. Stinnett-Fourth Grade-Fed me blue algae, introduced me to my elementary school best friend who I still connect with on a very deep level, even if we don't speak for years at a time. Taught me how to draw a wolf, write in cursive and must have taken some wonderful interest in me because I sobbed on the last day of school that year. She was not afraid to go off-book and be a friend.
5. Mrs. Studer-Elementary Music-Every moment in her classroom was my personal heaven and I think I remember every single song she ever taught. Exposed me to Copland, Gershwin, partner songs, playing recorder like a bo$$ and provided me many performing opportunities. She believed there was music in every child.
6. Senorita Street-Espanol 8th Grade- For igniting a love of language in me.
7. Mr. Williams-High School History-For blending stand up comedy with some seriously cranial exploration of History.
8. Mr. Davis-High School Industrial Welding-For encouraging my skill set and rubbing it in the boys' faces at every opportunity.
9. Pam Trokanski-Middle/High School Dance- For introducing me to some aggressive feminism before it was cool and hiring me for my first job at her studio.
10. Mr. Lange-High School Band-For providing me community, passion and the ultimate direction of my life as a musician.
11. Mrs. Blake-High School English- For reading the opinion essays of high school students and providing inspirational feedback and seriously validating our angst.
12. Jennie-Horn Professor, college-For blending professorship and friendship so seamlessly and meeting every student at their level while managing to help them discover and actualize personal ambition.
13. Bill McElheney-Study Abroad/College-Another perfect blend of friendship and professorship.
14. Dr. Hammer-Wind Ensemble High School/College-One of my first "Music Dads," met me when I was 16 and has never stopped encouraging me. Proponent and inspirer of achieving work-life balance.
15. Dr. Solvik-College/Study Abroad-A messenger who brought to life the best musicians in all of history. I'll go ahead and say I'm in love with him
BUT
In Greek there are four loves:
Agape-Love for mankind
Eros-The sexy kind
Philia-Profound friendship
Storge-Familial
I wish there were a word for a profound love/gratitude for learning. I love the knowledge he gave me so much that I "storge-philia" love him.
16. Dr. Brittin-College-A professor I was too dumb to understand the profoundness of her temperament and character as a young student. She had a child and cancer in my time at school, never missed a day and continues to nourish her network and personal learning on a daily basis. She has become a complete model to me of a life well-lived.
She is a main reason I will be selling 95% of my worldly possessions next month in anticipation of my next life move to Austin, Texas to pursue my masters!
17. Dr. Jonathan Knight-life-Cazadero family and extraordinary cheerleader. I have always thought his attention has been totally undeserved, he's sent me countless books and CDs just for the sake of my perpetual learning. Definition of selfless.
18. Mazz-life-Cazadero family, I will begin the paperwork for his canonization soon. A saint of music education. Humble, self-assured and embodies every good virtue I aspire towards. Seeks hard work and results over glory, dresses up, shows up, consistent as a Swiss watch. One of the few people who will always tell it to me straight and could write a book called, "Schenkerian Psychoanalysis."
So there you have it, my meditation for the day.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Crazy Legs
Monday and Tuesday zapped me this week with some unexpected obligations...seems to be a bit of a theme for me in the professional scheme of things lately.
Both my boyfriend and I came home fried yesterday; we "walked it out" and brain barfed all of the clutter. It's nice to be with someone (not even necessarily romantically) who will confront the yucks and do something about it with you. Walking and being outside is a reminder that there are other things happening in the world and is a fast way to transport outside yourself.
I went to bed early-always great! Woke up without the alarm and sprang for the "weekend coffee" the splurge-y stuff you buy to celebrate with :)
I've been working on a head stand for over a month and I've worked it little-by-little into my morning routine. I surprised myself big time today-there has been a lot of time now where I felt I would never be able to lift my legs off my knees. Turns out, it was just a littttttlllleee extra strength needed and WOOSH my legs went up into the air all crazy and flailed. I felt good to have reached the next step and joyous to know that I still had things to learn to do with my body.
I started meditation 25 and the phone rang (6:45 AM); it was my Dad...Grandma passed away.
I'm more sad in moments where I think my Dad and Aunt don't have a Mom or Dad around anymore. I am tremendously grateful I shared nearly a third of her life with her, I got to see her when she was mentally healthy, tell her about the exciting developments in my life, make her a meal or two, have coffee, hold hands, give kisses...
Well, the day kept going...Grandma is not attending orientation in heaven I guess- she got straight to work and ended my pondering cycle regarding grad school. I got a call offering an assistantship from one University and a grand total of zero dollars from the other. My boyfriend spent nearly an hour sorting out dull details with financial aid on my behalf, which I am extraordinarily grateful for.
There is a view on my way home from work that always stops my mind and reminds me to say thanks. Actually, there's a nice greeting to my day as well...
I practice smiling every time I drive by on my way to this
And say some gratitudes on my way home-I've tried to pull over to take a picture of this particular spectacle but the scene is too enormous...
New goal will be to try and capture it. Today it made me teary (as I've been many times looking at it before) because I almost drove by it without thinking, and I felt like she snapped my eyes to that spot to make me remember, remind me to appreciate and give thanks. I remembered it's the first day in almost 10 years she gets to spend with my Grandpa again.
Grandma was very pious; this vista is a cross overlooking the valley. Perhaps Grandpa was always working to help me achieve my dreams (he was a music teacher, too) but I think Grandma was that one liiiiitlleeeee thing that made the rest of my life WOOOSH today.
Re-attempted meditation 25 when I got home. I would not say I was "effective." But I did it.
Celebrating her life, success and happiness with a glass of champagne tonight <3
Friday, April 3, 2015
Quitter
Meditation 18
They increase in time intervals, so I've been trying to balance the 15 minute slot as opposed to the 10 minutes.
In meditation I have a bajillion thoughts; but I try remembering mid-frenzy that my brain will always generate more, so I need to be consistent in logging them or dismissing them completely. I suppose it is more a practice of non-fixation at this point. Even when things are wonderful (like NOW) my brain does a de-frag and looks for issues where there aren't any. Knock it off, you jerk!
I've been doing Yoga with Adriene for a few months-starting with her 30 day challenge. I learned a lot in the comfort of home (farting allowed) and that yoga classes at the gym could be hit or miss depending on the instructor. I can now get on the mat and create strong sequences.
SO
Today I quit the gym! It feels good-I will miss some of the classes but I feel I took a nice actionable step towards greater financial responsibility/freedom.
I came to a place of ease at some point yesterday-I'm finding some resolutions to life decisions, so that certainly helps. Also, took financial inventory and have a clearer picture what I justify as wants vs. needs. I write down every purchase I made that month and think about whether it was worth it or not. All purchases are set into categories
Total Input
Total Spent
Utilities-Rent/Gas/Electricity/Garbage/Car Expenses
Gas (Car)
Groceries
Other-Purchases not necessarily for fun but I can't escape
Frivolous
non-Sequitur- I got confused on a group thread for a wedding and accidentally sent the Bride's mother and aunt some unsavory photos regarding the upcoming bachelorette. Nobody's Pefect.
They increase in time intervals, so I've been trying to balance the 15 minute slot as opposed to the 10 minutes.
In meditation I have a bajillion thoughts; but I try remembering mid-frenzy that my brain will always generate more, so I need to be consistent in logging them or dismissing them completely. I suppose it is more a practice of non-fixation at this point. Even when things are wonderful (like NOW) my brain does a de-frag and looks for issues where there aren't any. Knock it off, you jerk!
I've been doing Yoga with Adriene for a few months-starting with her 30 day challenge. I learned a lot in the comfort of home (farting allowed) and that yoga classes at the gym could be hit or miss depending on the instructor. I can now get on the mat and create strong sequences.
SO
Today I quit the gym! It feels good-I will miss some of the classes but I feel I took a nice actionable step towards greater financial responsibility/freedom.
I came to a place of ease at some point yesterday-I'm finding some resolutions to life decisions, so that certainly helps. Also, took financial inventory and have a clearer picture what I justify as wants vs. needs. I write down every purchase I made that month and think about whether it was worth it or not. All purchases are set into categories
Total Input
Total Spent
Utilities-Rent/Gas/Electricity/Garbage/Car Expenses
Gas (Car)
Groceries
Other-Purchases not necessarily for fun but I can't escape
Frivolous
non-Sequitur- I got confused on a group thread for a wedding and accidentally sent the Bride's mother and aunt some unsavory photos regarding the upcoming bachelorette. Nobody's Pefect.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Mental Rollerskates
Day 16 and happy to report some relief from turbulence.
Excerpt from an email to my boyfriend:
"Day 16 meditation, trying to silence Chatty Cathy; I think I'm starting to send her by on roller skates instead of taking her to dinner in my brain."
Maybe allowing thoughts to pass makes room to have more thoughts. I should allow all of them pass through. It's seldom good ideas are completely forgotten. I keep ongoing lists in my phone for nearly everything-from good jokes/stories to songs I would like to sing at Karaoke (Let the bodies hit the floor-Drowning Pool, I like the way you work it-Blackstreet, I hate everything about you-Three Days Grace). Perhaps show some restraint and dash to the phone list after sessions.
I'm having a few moments of real nothingness during meditation-emphasis on moments. Milliseconds where I've noticed "nothing" and immediately my brain will shout out, "I'm DOING IT, Oh no! I'm not anymore!!!!"
Other things that have contributed to a more positive mindset:
1. Re-entering my work/life routine
2. Coming closer to resolutions for upcoming changes
I find that limbo regarding the future is much worse than the outcome-even negative outcomes.
3. Setting a firm practice routine-I've got an exciting performance opportunity on the horizon and I want to be deliberate and specific in preparation. The Wooden on Leadership is a straight-forward reminder on what I need to do to achieve my personal and professional goals.
Currently reading/browsing: Wooden on Leadership
Chez Panisse-Vegetables
This Financial Blog
I spent much of last week catastrophizing events. I see that about 30% of it was unhelpful, and while some of this energy helped me consider solutions, there was also excessive worrying.
Mark Twain quote discovered in Arianna Huffington's Thrive:
Excerpt from an email to my boyfriend:
"Day 16 meditation, trying to silence Chatty Cathy; I think I'm starting to send her by on roller skates instead of taking her to dinner in my brain."
Maybe allowing thoughts to pass makes room to have more thoughts. I should allow all of them pass through. It's seldom good ideas are completely forgotten. I keep ongoing lists in my phone for nearly everything-from good jokes/stories to songs I would like to sing at Karaoke (Let the bodies hit the floor-Drowning Pool, I like the way you work it-Blackstreet, I hate everything about you-Three Days Grace). Perhaps show some restraint and dash to the phone list after sessions.
I'm having a few moments of real nothingness during meditation-emphasis on moments. Milliseconds where I've noticed "nothing" and immediately my brain will shout out, "I'm DOING IT, Oh no! I'm not anymore!!!!"
Other things that have contributed to a more positive mindset:
1. Re-entering my work/life routine
2. Coming closer to resolutions for upcoming changes
I find that limbo regarding the future is much worse than the outcome-even negative outcomes.
3. Setting a firm practice routine-I've got an exciting performance opportunity on the horizon and I want to be deliberate and specific in preparation. The Wooden on Leadership is a straight-forward reminder on what I need to do to achieve my personal and professional goals.
Currently reading/browsing: Wooden on Leadership
Chez Panisse-Vegetables
This Financial Blog
I spent much of last week catastrophizing events. I see that about 30% of it was unhelpful, and while some of this energy helped me consider solutions, there was also excessive worrying.
Mark Twain quote discovered in Arianna Huffington's Thrive:
“I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”
Saturday, March 28, 2015
The Art of Over-thinking
"Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are."
- Andrew Denton
Still working through some definite tension. All self-inflicted of course. Sometimes it's difficult to have options because the "right" answers don't reveal themselves in black and white.
“Alice asked the Cheshire Cat, who was sitting in a tree, “What road do I take?”
The cat asked, “Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know,” Alice answered.
“Then,” said the cat, “it really doesn’t matter, does it?”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
The cat asked, “Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know,” Alice answered.
“Then,” said the cat, “it really doesn’t matter, does it?”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Now if only I would relax.
Meditation session 13: Bench in Berkeley outside church, setting and scents couldn't have been better and the temperature was splendid. Monkey mind today X 1000
But I did it
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Day 2
Making steps.
1. Worked on BTSA...check
*BTSA is a horrific, time-consuming and expensive project mandated by the state for beginning teachers; if I bit my tongue any harder on this subject, I would no longer be able to play French Horn.*
2. Practicing...process
3. Taxes...will do today
4. Go to gym...check
5. Crying publicly at the gym....check
*Thinking of canceling gym membership*
6. Deciding the 6 month trajectory of my life...in process.
7. Had BTSA portfolio returned for corrections on the same day...see step 1, repeat process.
8. Pay off credit card...check
9. Buy headspace yearly subscription...check
10. Call rental car company for the refund they promised and didn't deliver...avoiding this chore.
11. Ignore the dog as it vomits during your meditation attempt...half check
12. Develop film from my dad's 1983 camera...in process!
Headspace is an app to assist on the journey towards a more balanced mind. Meditation will not solve your problems, but it will make objectivity and your experience of reality more enjoyable.
From what I gather, one trains the mind to make catastrophes bobble like a buoy in the ocean instead of flail, howl, struggle and sink like a mafia member tied to a brick. You are still in the ocean, but you'll keep afloat. I tried the free 10 day trial first, decided to take the plunge!
Day 12 on meditating: Why I overwhelmed by negativity although I am surrounded by positive outcomes? See: Spoiled woman crying at the gym after purchasing a meditation app.
Thinking about meditating....is that meta-tating?
1. Worked on BTSA...check
*BTSA is a horrific, time-consuming and expensive project mandated by the state for beginning teachers; if I bit my tongue any harder on this subject, I would no longer be able to play French Horn.*
2. Practicing...process
3. Taxes...will do today
4. Go to gym...check
5. Crying publicly at the gym....check
*Thinking of canceling gym membership*
6. Deciding the 6 month trajectory of my life...in process.
7. Had BTSA portfolio returned for corrections on the same day...see step 1, repeat process.
8. Pay off credit card...check
9. Buy headspace yearly subscription...check
10. Call rental car company for the refund they promised and didn't deliver...avoiding this chore.
11. Ignore the dog as it vomits during your meditation attempt...half check
12. Develop film from my dad's 1983 camera...in process!
Headspace is an app to assist on the journey towards a more balanced mind. Meditation will not solve your problems, but it will make objectivity and your experience of reality more enjoyable.
From what I gather, one trains the mind to make catastrophes bobble like a buoy in the ocean instead of flail, howl, struggle and sink like a mafia member tied to a brick. You are still in the ocean, but you'll keep afloat. I tried the free 10 day trial first, decided to take the plunge!
Day 12 on meditating: Why I overwhelmed by negativity although I am surrounded by positive outcomes? See: Spoiled woman crying at the gym after purchasing a meditation app.
Thinking about meditating....is that meta-tating?
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
New Beginnings
Why Orffeus? It's a reference to my passion and my profession-music and teaching. The Venn diagram there is rather strong in terms of overlap.
Orpheus, in mythology was ripped to shreds as punishment for doubt and looking back. Orff-Schulwerk is a methodology I study to bring people into realizing their musicianship. Put 'em together and that's what you've got!
Why is there a zero instead of an "O?" Because the internet is full.
Why a blog now? To catalog, vent and track progress. The current situation: Finishing a tremendous stint as a music teacher for ages 2-13, built a program from the ground and now looking into the horizon for a new challenge. I also love to play Horn. I expect much change in the layout of this page overtime and in the layout of my daily existence!
You can expect to hear about:
1. Food
2. Music
3. Attempting Yoga/Meditation
Also, you can expect the unexpected.
Orpheus, in mythology was ripped to shreds as punishment for doubt and looking back. Orff-Schulwerk is a methodology I study to bring people into realizing their musicianship. Put 'em together and that's what you've got!
Why is there a zero instead of an "O?" Because the internet is full.
Why a blog now? To catalog, vent and track progress. The current situation: Finishing a tremendous stint as a music teacher for ages 2-13, built a program from the ground and now looking into the horizon for a new challenge. I also love to play Horn. I expect much change in the layout of this page overtime and in the layout of my daily existence!
You can expect to hear about:
1. Food
2. Music
3. Attempting Yoga/Meditation
Also, you can expect the unexpected.
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